The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden
by Moonlight Bomber
Summary: All characters from FF710 get a chance to beat the world's greatest terrorist. 11 chapters out. Now, at last, it's finished! The finale's long and entertaining!
1. Tranquility to Fear

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter One: Tranquility to Fear  
  
  
Peaceful. That's one word to decribe the world before this event.   
What event?  
Some sort of cataclysm.  
Like Kefka's?  
Yup.  
  
The event that temporarily took the world hostage.  
The event that proved a victory for the villains.  
The event that gave second thoughts about security.  
It's...  
The World Trade Center disaster.  
  
WWWHHHAAATTTT????!!!!  
  
"AAAAAAA!!!!" The sound of intensive fear covered the rooms of four otherwise brave boys.  
The spikey-haired dude, the SeeD gunblade expert, the blonde monkey-tailed thief, the beach   
bum cum blitzball star.   
  
Instead of getting charged up for the day ahead, the four feel like they are wilted   
vegetables.  
  
***  
  
Cloud suddenly woke up in his childhood home in Nibelheim, recovering from the unexpected  
shock that spoiled his sleep.   
  
"That's strange... I just recovered from a mental disorder in the Lifestream... Is that  
nightmare Sephiroth's final revenge against me?"  
  
Just then some other voice entered his room.  
  
"Hey! You forgot your breakfast!"  
  
"Tifa?"  
  
"Good morning, Cloud. Is something bugging you?"  
  
"Uh... nothing."  
  
"But look at you. You feel like... the way you were back in Mideel."  
  
"You know my dream?"  
  
"No. But I sense a great danger coming to us."  
  
"Is it... of this world?"  
  
"No. It's of an another world."  
  
"Hey! Did you acquire your sensing powers from Aeris?"  
  
"No. It's just that I didn't know it was there."  
  
***  
  
Squall moves and jerks his body during sleep and mumbles the following thoughts:  
"The world is at peace... Ultimecia's gone... But why did I see images of two towers  
being destroyed by two airplanes? Those towers are not of this world... and Galbadia has  
no plans of building tall buildings... What is this...?"  
  
He wakes up in his dorm at Balamb Garden, shocked. He then walks outside in an unnatural   
and lousy way while being greeted by his buddies.  
  
"Yo, Squall! Get yourself some exercise! You look so clumsy." It was Zell.  
  
"Hi, Squall! Don't be like a turtle. Cheer up!" It was Selphie.  
  
"Hey, Squall. You don't look like a SeeD when you act like this." It was Quistis.  
  
"Squall, you seem to have woke up in the wrong side of the bed." It was Irvine.  
  
"Squall, good morning. Your morning seems to be bad. What's the matter?" It was Rinoa.  
  
And Squall's response to the five? Nothing. He just continues his walk to the cafeteria  
for his breakfast.  
  
***  
  
Zidane, now the king of Alexandria, has good feelings he felt in his dream, until that  
dark image boggled his mind later.  
  
"towers... destruction... airplane... terrorists?! NNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
  
He then wakes up shouting, which also woke up Queen Garnet.  
  
"Zidane? What happened to you?" said Garnet as she approached the traumatized Zidane.  
  
He never said a word from the exhaustion he got from shouting.  
  
"What? You got a nightmare? Guards, call Regent Cid immediately!" Garnet alarmed.  
  
Sometime later... Regent Cid and Zidane's friends went to the castle to check on him.  
  
"This is terrible, Queen Garnet," Cid worried. "King Zidane is now suffering from extreme   
trauma mixed with sadness... the same disorder that affected you before."  
  
"What? This can't be..." Garnet said.  
  
"Never in my lifetime did I see something as shocking as what happened last time," Steiner  
added.  
  
"You suffer nightmare?" Quina interrupted. "No good food will cure nightmare."  
  
The others worry in silence.  
  
***  
  
Tidus, despite his cheery outlook, seems to act strange this morning. He gets all the   
symptoms decribed earlier: clumsy actions, sadness, sudden negative feelings. Here's   
why.  
  
At his home in Zanarkand, he wakes up in a slow, grotesque manner, as if a zombie or   
vampire woke up from a grave. He then greets his family, friends, and neighbors in a   
monotonous voice. He then slowly walks into the table while waiting for breakfast. And   
when Yuna serves him his favorite breakfast, his face falls flat into the table.  
  
"Tidus! You fainted! Is this some kind of a curse?" Yuna exclaimed.  
  
***  
  
You will soon see my wrath...  
A wrath greater than the foes you fought before.  
A wrath hell-bent on destroying so many innocent lives.  
A wrath that will bring me satisfaction.  
A wrath that is...  
TERRORISM!  
Mwahahahahahahaha.....  
  
(end of chapter) 


	2. Undeniable Escape

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter Two: Undeniable Escape  
  
To conquer the impeding evil...  
You and your friends must leave your world...  
And go to the world called Earth...  
A world of contradictions...  
A mix of utopia and dystopia...  
Your powers await the ailing people's help...  
Against a big force of terror...  
So commence!  
  
***  
  
"Hey, I just heard something inside my mind," said Cloud, who has just finished his  
breakfast and is now on the way to a seminar to be held in Kalm. All of his friends  
await him outside his home. And by the way, his mind was cleared when he heard the message.  
  
"Wha' didya hear from you' mind?" Barret asked.  
  
"It says something like this: Leave this world and save a planet called Earth from...  
uh... how do I say this?"  
  
"Terrorists!" Cait Sith replied.  
  
"Yeah... You're right. And to make this soon-to-be mission to be successful, we must be   
all complete, as in..."  
  
"Complete? What the @#$%, Aeris is no longer with us!" Cid ranted.  
  
"Yeah, that's the only problem. So what's the solution, anyone?"  
  
Red XIII then proposed, "I think we must consult Bugenhagen again."  
  
Tifa questioned, "What's he gonna do? Cast Life?"  
  
Red XIII answered, "No. Aeris's death is not ordinary. We must ask him to find the ultimate  
revival product. If Aeris is revived, then we will use a teleportation device."  
  
"And kick the terrorists' butts! But, will I get, like, paid?" Yuffie responded.  
  
"Oh man, you're always thinking about money. What's wrong with you?" Vincent interrogated.  
  
And their game plan is set. Cloud commands his friends to find Bugenhagen and ask him  
about the ultimate revival item and a teleportation device. After that, he leaves them  
for Kalm, all prepared for the seminar.  
  
***  
  
Squall, after hearing the message in his mind, resumed his poise and posture. He then walked  
out of the cafeteria, puzzled.  
  
He thought: "Another SeeD job... and now it's on an another planet. Being the leader,  
I might be ready because of so much experience beforehand. But I think of something...  
Will the next enemy be more powerful than Ultimecia?"  
  
He then bumped into Selphie while walking near the classroom.  
  
"Hey, Squall! You're doing a repeat! And look at you! You're no longer clumsy. What   
happened?"  
  
"...Something spoke inside my mind. It said that we six must leave this world and prepare  
to fight a merciless terrorist from another world."  
  
"That means we're going into another SeeD mission?"  
  
"Yeah. Call our buddies. We'll have a meeting with the headmaster in 0900 hours."  
  
***  
  
Zidane suddenly hears the message in his mind. Then his silence breaks. The attendants  
are surprised.   
  
"Zidane! I mean Your Majesty! Are you OK? Can you speak now?" one of Vivi's sons exclaimed.   
  
"Ohhhh... My head... Now that I can speak, I must owe that to someone speaking to my mind,"  
Zidane replied.  
  
"Zidane... What did that anonymous person say?" asked Regent Cid.  
  
"It said... Leave our world and save another one from a terrorist or something like that."  
  
"That's all?" asked Eiko.  
  
"Hmph. Going into another mission, and we don't have any advanced technology," Amarant   
doubted.  
  
"Don't worry, my fair-hearted friends," boasted Regent Cid. "With my scientific and tech-  
nological expertise, I can construct an airship that can warp us to other worlds."  
  
Amarant is now silent.  
  
"This can take some months, but with your cooperation, the construction time will be   
shortened. So let's begin!" Cid explained.  
  
And Zidane and company went off to Lindblum for the airship construction. The name of the   
new airship? Invincible II.  
  
***  
  
Tidus, still dazed, is brought to Grand Maester Mika by his friends. By the time the Maester  
faced Tidus, the latter suddenly woke up.  
  
"My child, you suddenly woke up. What is the matter?" asked Mika.  
  
"Ahhh... Grand Maester Mika (note: still mispronounced as Maeka)?" said Tidus as he woke up.  
  
"Do not call me that. Anyway, Tidus, why have you suddenly woke up?"  
  
"Uhh... Some unknown being spoke to me. He said that we must leave Spira and save a planet  
called Earth from a terrorist as mean as Sin."   
  
"As mean as Sin? This will be a long journey," Auron responded.  
  
"Although I'm a fully-pledged summoner, I still don't know of any aeon that can warp us,"  
complained Yuna.  
  
"Maester, do you know of anything that can warp us into Earth?" Rikku asked.  
  
"Nothing. There might be an unknown person in all of Spira that can wield such power,"   
answered the Maester.  
  
"No no no no. Don't count me in," Lulu interrupted.  
  
***  
  
While the four teams pondered on their next actions, the al-Qaeda and Taliban goons are   
preparing to wipe the international forces and the Northern Alliance out the face of   
Afghanistan and eventually the Middle East back on Earth.  
  
Two rising rival groups. So many gameplans. So little time.   
The Earth will never be the same again.  
  
(end of chapter) 


	3. Into the Realm

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter Three: Into the Realm  
  
You mindless people are really pathetic...  
Defending that thing called peace...  
It is just but a shadow of death...  
That dies with the ones who are advocating it.  
  
***  
  
Tifa, being the leader of Cloud's team in his absence, brought her friends and Bugenhagen  
to the Forgotten Capital; desparately finding a way to revive Aeris and warp to Earth.  
  
"Ho Ho Hooo. It's the second time I have visited this place," said Bugenhagen.  
  
"And it's my second time to be the leader. But I feel something bad will happen," Tifa   
worried.  
  
"Wha'?" Barret asked.  
  
"We won't find the revival item nor the portal. Considering that we don't understand   
all of the Ancients' inscriptions."  
  
"Ho Ho Hooo. There is one last resort to this problem," Bugenhagen interrupted. "Only one  
person will transcript the Ancients' writings for us. He is... I. M. Weasel."  
  
"I. M. Weasel?! That genius weasel with a dumb baboon sidekick? Holy $^&*!" Cid exclaimed.  
  
The others are awed. Then they keep silent as Bugenhagen chants something that will   
summon the weasel and the baboon into their world.  
  
And as expected, I. M. Weasel and I. R. Baboon appeared in the flesh in front of Bugenhagen  
and company.  
  
"Hmmm... where are we, my reliable pal?" Weasel asked Baboon.  
  
"Ahhh... I think I are in another world. And I are do no know those people," Baboon   
answered.  
  
Bugenhagen approaches Weasel and Baboon. "Ho Ho Hooo. You must be I. M. Weasel and I. R.  
Baboon."  
  
Weasel replied, "And you are Santa Claus?"  
  
"No. I am Bugenhagen. Behind me are the people who want to go to the planet called Earth."  
  
"Earth? It's me and Baboon's planet!"   
  
"Well. Here are they. Ho Ho Hooo."  
  
While Baboon toys around the Forgotten Capital, the first batch of heroes introduce   
themselves. (Note: The intoduction part is boring since by the time you read this, you're  
an FF fan. So I'll skip it. --Author)   
  
And when Tifa introduced herself, Baboon turned around to see her.  
  
"Ahhh... I are fascinated. That girl... I are gonna marry her..."   
  
He's really fascinated. He drools all over while hearing her angelic voice and seeing   
her attractive body. Then he performs his trademark dance around the area while shouting,  
"I are marry her! I are marry her!"  
  
"Hey, Baboon! Why are you drooling all over?" Weasel pondered.  
  
"Weasel, I think he's going bananas over Tifa," Red XIII answered.  
  
"Baboon! Stop fantasizing about Miss Lockheart!" Weasel shouted while pulling Baboon out  
of Tifa's sight.  
  
"And anyway, Mr. Bugenhagen, why have you summoned us?" Weasel asked.  
  
"Ho Ho Hooo. We summoned you so that you can read the inscriptions over there (pointing  
at the center of the shrine) for us and eventually revive a dead woman and warp us to   
your world."  
  
"Who is this woman?"  
  
"Aeris Gainsborough. The last of a race called the Cetra or the Ancients."  
  
"Well done. Please wait while I put away Baboon from the girls' sight and then we can start  
with the inspection."  
  
The whole team inspected the inscriptions (with Baboon now locked in a steel cage) when  
Cloud suddenly arrived.  
  
"Cloud, why are you, like, here?" Yuffie asked.  
  
"The seminar has been postponed to give way to an autograph signing with The Rock," Cloud  
answered. "I'm not a big fan of wrestling, so I left Kalm, called a taxi and went here."  
  
"Ho Ho Hooo. Thank God you arrived, Cloud. You see, I brought two persons from a planet   
called Earth to inspect the inscriptions and find a way to... you know," Bugenhagen told  
Cloud.  
  
"Who are they?"  
  
"On my left is I. M. Weasel and on the cage over there is I. R. Baboon. Mr. Weasel caught  
Mr. Baboon because of fantasizing over Tifa."  
  
Cloud then approached the two persons and introduced himself. After that, he looked closely  
at what Weasel is doing.  
  
"Hmmm... This is really the most exquisite script I've ever seen in my entire life...   
Anyway, the inscriptions say that we need an item called the Mega Phoenix to revive Aeris.  
And for the portal, we need a confidential Shinra document and the three rarest materia  
in this world to open it," Weasel said.  
  
"No problemo, I. M.! I'm a Shinra employee and I can fax a document for you," added Cait  
Sith.  
  
"Yeah, but watch out fo' you' consequences of you' actions, you damn cat," Barret interrup-  
ted.  
  
"But how about the Mega Phoenix and the three materia? I don't think we can have them,"  
Vincent worried.  
  
"The three materia? They are, like, in my, like, house," Yuffie said.  
  
"We don't have time left. We must get going," Cloud commanded.  
  
Then the team goes to work. The boys search the area for the Mega Phoenix, Cait Sith calls  
the Shinra HQ for a confidential document to be faxed, and the girls go to Wutai to get  
the rare materia apparently hidden in Yuffie's house: Knights of the Round, Quadra Magic,   
and Mime.  
  
After two and a half hours...  
  
"Very good, my brave-hearted friends! You have found the necessary ingredients! All we  
have to do now is to revive Aeris. Cloud, will you do the honors?" stated Weasel.  
  
"Of course."  
  
The whole team then goes to the body of water where Aeris is buried. Baboon, as always,  
is left behind in the cage, wondering what will happen next.  
  
Cloud, clutching the Mega Phoenix, walks to the exact spot where Aeris is buried. He then  
hurls the thing into the air and shouts, "Master of rebirth, breathe new life into the  
body of a girl who never had the joys of a woman! Ultra-Life!"  
  
A shining column of light then appears from the sky and immediately penetrates the crystal  
blue water. Moments later, a holographic image of Aeris appears in the spot where the light  
penetrated. It suddenly walks over the water, coming closer to Cloud and co. And as the   
image's feet touched the ground, it transformed into the new, improved, revitalized (man,   
looks like I'm advertising a product... --Author) Aeris.  
  
Cloud is struck with awe as he sees Aeris in the flesh. He hastily runs towards her and   
then embraces her. The two tightly hug each other and shed tears of joy afterwards.   
  
"Aeris, you're back! I missed you so much."   
  
"Cloud, I missed you too."  
  
"Now that Sephiroth and Jenova are gone for good, let us share our brand-new moments   
together."  
  
"Yeah. I'm glad to hear the news. And after that fiasco, do you still love me?"  
  
"Certainly." (Note: I'm showing no prejudice towards the advocates of the Cloud-Tifa   
loveteam. Period. --Author)   
  
"Oh, that's good to hear. But, how did you revive me?"  
  
"I used a rare revival item on you. And I did it on purpose."  
  
"What purpose?"  
  
"We've gotta stop a terrorist from wreaking havoc on a planet called Earth."  
  
"Another villain? And what's the reward?"  
  
"I'll marry you."  
  
"Oh, thank you."  
  
Cloud and Aeris then close their eyes and position their lips, ready to kiss. Their lips  
draw closer and closer until Weasel shouted, "Mister Strife! Miss Gainsborough! The portal  
is open! We must hurry! There's no time to lose!"  
  
"We'll save our kiss for later," Cloud said to Aeris. "After all, those terrorists that   
we'll face are extremely conservative. PDA's are eyesores for them."   
  
He then turns around and said, "Excuse me, Weasel. How will you release Baboon from the  
cage?"  
  
"I will tell him that he must not fantasize the girls. They are beautiful, but they can   
kick butt too."  
  
The whole group then rushes to the portal and are sucked inside. The portal then vanishes.  
  
Who knows where on Earth will they land?  
  
***  
  
Squall and co. currently hold a meeting with the headmaster of Balamb Garden.   
  
"Squall, what is the purpose of leaving this world, you say?" asked Cid.  
  
"Sir, we must eliminate a terrorist on a planet called Earth," Squall replied.  
  
"Well, this mission will be the same as in Dollet, but the problem is the method  
of teleportation."  
  
"Esthar is good at advanced technology like that, sir. We can meet Dr. Odine right away."  
  
"Good. Now pilot the Ragnarok. And don't forget to invite Laguna, Kiros, and Ward. That  
will make a total of nine personnel for this mission. Meeting dismissed."  
  
And as Squall and co. leave the headmaster's office, his buddies have mixed thoughts   
on the forthcoming mission.  
  
"Yeah! Time to kick the terrorist's ass," Zell said enthusiastically.  
  
"But I feel something bad," Rinoa worried. "I might turn into a scorceress again when I  
meet the doctor."  
  
"Don't worry, Rinoa," Squall replied. "Ultimecia's gone, so you'll be fine."  
  
Irvine startles the group with his question: "Will our enemies be as tough as those  
Galbadian soldiers?"  
  
"Man, it's so hard to answer," Selphie stated.  
  
"It's because we don't have any info on the terrorists on Earth yet," Quistis added.  
  
The group then boards the Ragnarok and flies off to Esthar.  
  
They plan to meet Dr. Odine first, then they will escort him to Pres. Loire.   
  
As they journey through the streets of Esthar, they see no signs of monsters. The reason   
is that there will be no unexpected Lunar Cries because the Lunatic Pandora is now   
inactive.   
  
They arrive at last at Dr. Odine's lab. His assistant recognizes and greets them. After-  
wards he takes them to the doctor himself.  
  
"Oh, how nice of you to come," Dr. Odine salutated them. "Vell, vhat service can I offer   
you?"  
  
"Doctor, we badly need a teleportation device to go to a planet called Earth," Squall   
answered. "We have a mission to eliminate the terrorists there."   
  
"Very good. I have built a teleportation device right before I conducted ze research  
on ze sorceress. Vait a minute. I vill be back vid ze device."  
  
Squall and co. stand still while waiting for the device. While doing so, the brains of   
the mission pondered, "I think the answer to Irvine's question earlier is... the terrorists  
are tougher. They use all merciless methods to sow terror everywhere. It's in the name."  
  
Dr. Odine arrives at the place where the group waited, carrying a huge oval mirror with   
electronic thingies attached to its frame.  
  
"Vhew, zis iz so heavy," Odine said. "But anyway, one push of ze button and voila! You're  
transported."  
  
"Thanks, doc. But we won't warp to Earth unless we join Laguna and co. with us," Squall  
stated.  
  
"Oh man. But I know zat it iz required by ze headmaster of your Garden, right?"  
  
"Right. Now please take me to Laguna."  
  
Squall, his friends, and Odine (with the device) then drives to the Presidential Palace.   
There they are welcomed by the palace staff until they go to the office of the President.  
  
"Good to see you again, Squall," Laguna greeted. "And Doc, how's life?"  
  
"Vell, Mr. President, Squall and company vant to join you, Kiros, and Ward into zeir   
mission on a planet called Earth to eliminate ze terrorists zere," Odine replied.  
"Here iz ze teleportation device to be used."  
  
"Well, I'm engaging into combat again. Guess it's time to become soldiers again, right,  
Kiros, Ward?" Laguna asked.  
  
"After all, we helped them in their dreams," Kiros answered. "And it's good to pay back  
the kindness we gave them."  
  
Ward, still mute, gives a smile of approval.  
  
"We don't have time left! Irvine, activate the portal and let's go!" Quistis commanded.  
  
"Yeah, I'm itchin' to kick ass," Zell responded.  
  
Irvine immediately presses the button on the device. A portal appears. Squall, Laguna, and  
the rest of the gang leaped into the portal. Moments later it disappeared.   
  
"Have a safe journey, people," Odine said. "Hmmm... Vill I be ze temporary president for  
now?"  
  
***  
  
Zidane and company (with Cid's assistants) are now busy in building the new airship.   
With their strong work ethic that they learned after defeating Kuja and Necron, they finish   
it in just two days.  
  
"Whew, it's like we're building Noah's Ark," Zidane tiringly said.   
  
"But at least we are done already," Regent Cid replied. "Now the whole team is complete."  
  
"Wait a second. Vivi disappeared, and in his place his sons appear right here. How do we  
handle this?" Steiner interrogated.  
  
"Let us name the eldest son Vivi Orunitia, Jr. Then his next-in-line brothers will be named  
Vivi III, Vivi IV, etc., etc."  
  
"What a dumb naming proposal it is! It will breed confusion," Freya complained.  
  
"But at least we are invloving Vivi in the fight against the terrorists. So there."  
  
Zidane and company then boards the Invincible II. Cid and his assistants await outside   
at the dock.   
  
What does the new airship look like? The airship's design duplicates the original, but it   
has airplane engine-like devices that activate a large portal.  
  
"Start main engine!" Cid commanded.  
  
The main engine roars in full glory.  
  
"Activate portal controls!"  
  
A large portal appears in Lindblum, about as huge as the eidolon Atomos when it attacked  
the city proper.  
  
"Sail for main destination: Earth!"  
  
The Invincible II then moves towards the portal. The latter sucks the former like a vacuum  
cleaner.   
  
"May you have a safe trip! And bring me some souvenirs, too!"  
  
One of Cid's assistants reacted, "Hey! Those terrorists carry deadly weapons from the   
future. What will you do, use them to conquer other kingdoms?"  
  
"Whoops. Those terrorists are really not gift givers."  
  
***  
  
Tidus and his buddies wander around Spira to find a person who would warp them into Earth.  
They are nearly exhausted until a band of Al Bhed bandits (apparently the friends of those  
who kidnapped Yuna) meet them.  
  
The bandit leader said in the Al Bhed language, "Hey you guys! Surrender everything you  
have, or else we'll kill you!"  
  
Rikku heard the message and translated it for the rest of the group.   
  
Wakka yelled, "We won't give all our stuff to you! In fact, we defeated the curse of Yevon!  
So beat it, you knuckleheads!"  
  
Rikku said Wakka's message in Al Bhed.  
  
The leader reacted. "Well, let's see 'bout that," he said in Al Bhed, then kicked Kimahri's  
shin.  
  
"OOOWWWW! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" Kimahri shouted. His fury then bursts and pummels the   
bandits mercilessly. A thick cloud appears, covering much of the action.  
  
Kimahri soon grows tired of beating them, and the cloud disappears. And do you know who  
are those bandits? They're really the Backstreet Boys!  
  
"Enough of fighting," Nick Carter said. "We pretended as Al Bhed bandits so that we will   
defeat our rivals N'Sync, who reportedly joined a blitzball team."  
  
Tidus asked, "Abes or Aurochs?"  
  
A.J. McLean answered, "I think it's Abes."  
  
"What? This is so controversial!" Tidus exclaimed.  
  
"Ha ha! Those guys don't know blitzball!" Wakka teased Tidus. "Now my team will win at   
last!"  
  
"Shut up," Tidus reacted.  
  
"Hey, if you wanna join us, then go to Zanarkand Stadium," Brian Littrell explained.   
"It's Abes vs. Aurochs there."  
  
Tidus and Wakka face off and you can feel sparks between their eyes.  
  
"Hey, you two, stop staring like that and get going!" the two remaining members, Kevin   
Richardson and Howie Dorough, yelled.  
  
Tidus, his buddies, and the Backstreet Boys then mosey on to the stadium. They can feel   
the capacity crowd upon entering the stadium.  
  
The big game is sure to have some big rivalry. Tidus vs. Wakka. Backstreet Boys vs. N'Sync.  
  
And that game starts. You can really feel the heat of the blitzball action underwater.  
(Note: I really didn't play FF10, so I don't know much about blitzball. Sorry, guys.  
--Author)  
  
Later, Tidus and Wakka have been assigned as the passers for each team. Before the start  
of the next period, they rattled and rambled and taunted each other.  
  
And then the inevitable happens. A dummy of a Sinspawn (operated by none other than   
Mariah Carey... hehehe) appears in the water, facing Tidus and Wakka. The dummy casts  
a fake version of Gravija on the two, sucking them into the black globe.  
  
Now the black globe created by the fake Gravija grows bigger and bigger and eventually  
covers the playfield. Yuna and the others are wondering and worrying where Tidus and  
Wakka are. They believe that the black globe sucked Tidus and Wakka, so they leap in there.  
  
And you know... That black globe is really a portal to Earth. Any questions?  
  
***  
  
Brave heroes...  
Gather round in the mountainous regoins of a country called Afghanistan...  
Here you will fight those meddling terrorists.  
Good luck on your bout!  
  
(end of chapter) 


	4. Trekking and Trudging

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter 4: Trekking and Trudging  
  
Feeling lost? Come to God and you won't get lost.  
  
***  
  
Cloud and co. suddenly appear on a snowy white area. There they see a sign that says:   
"SOUTH POLE: 300 KM. AHEAD."  
  
"Not again, we landed on a damn &(*& snowfield! That $*)@ Lady Luck!" Cid cursed.  
  
"Do not worry my my friends, I have a thorough knowledge of the South Pole and the Antarctic  
area," Weasel explained. "With my GPRS-enabled GPS PDA and cellphone hybrid, we can get out  
of this snowy region and into your destination." He then brings out the aforementioned   
device. He activates it and explains: "It says that to get into your destination... what  
is your destination, Cloud?"  
  
"Afghanistan, I think," Cloud replied.  
  
"All right, to get to Afghanistan, we must go northwest to arrive at the southern part of  
Argentina. Then we will go to Buenos Aires, the capital of the said country and hitch  
a ride on an airplane heading for Pakistan. Then you will sneak into Afghanistan because   
the two are neighboring countries. That's all."  
  
"But the people of this world do not accept gil as currency," Red XIII worried. "So how do  
we exchange our gil for your international currency?"  
  
"Hmmm... good question. If possible, we can meet a trader and exchange your gil for the US  
dollar, the international currency here on Earth."  
  
"Will we ever see traders in a snowy area like this?" Tifa interrogated. "And enough of   
your explaining! We're going to be frozen popsicles here! We must move out! Brrr!"  
  
Teh group then moves out with the help of Weasel's GPS device. But an hour later, they pass  
out.  
  
Later, they wke up in a wooden house. They are later greeted by a strange man.  
  
"Good morning, travellers," the man said. "My name's Hiro."  
  
"You're Hiro fom Lunar 2?! Holy $*#*, I'm getting enough of those meddling ousiders!   
Gawdemmit!" Cid shouted.  
  
"Stop cursing, man," Hiro said. "It's a threat to morality. By the way, you were passed out  
around five kilometersaway from my house. So had no choice but to bring you to my house  
right here."  
  
"Why, we were trying to get out of Antarctica to get into Afghanistan to fight the   
terrorists there," Cloud explained. He then introduces himself and his friends to Hiro.   
He continues, "Oh, by the way, how did you live here in this place?"  
  
"Well, since I found Lucia on the Blue Star, she had mysteriously vanished. And then some  
strange voice said that she is on some cold place on this planet, Earth. So I used the   
teleporting pendant of hers to go here. And knowing that this place is so cold, I found   
an abandoned house and that is now my home."  
  
"Good to hear that," Cait Sith said. "We want to go to Afghanistan, but the currency from  
our world, gil, isn't acceptable here. Can you trade our gil for US dollars?"  
  
"Sure. I traded with other travellers in Antarctica. I give them dollars for their trinkets  
that I receive. Now please hand over your gil and I'll convert them."  
  
Everyone except Weasel and Baboon (who had their own dollars) then trades their gil for   
dollars.  
  
"Thanks, Hiro," Cloud said. "We don't have time left. We must go. Goodbye!"  
  
"Have a safe journey!" said Hiro as he waves his hands to the leaving party.  
  
Now the group heads for Argentina. After two days of non-stop walking, they finally arrive  
at the Buenos Aires International Airport.  
  
"Cloud, I think I and Baboon must part ways with you," Weasel said. "I still have some   
scientific research to attend to. So I will bid you goodbye."  
  
Baboon then said, "I are having fun travelling with you. And, ah, I are want to kiss Tifa  
goodbye."  
  
"Shu' up, foo'!" Barret shouted. "Don' ya go kissing you' funny ass to our lovely lass.  
So beat it!"  
  
"Yeah! So, like, kiss me instead!" Yuffie interrupted. But her real intention is to steal  
Baboon's money.  
  
"We have no time for kissing, Baboon," Weasel interfered. "Good luck on your fight against  
the terrorists! Farewell!"  
  
Weasel and Baboon then leaves to a different area of the airport, never to be seen.  
  
"Wow, it must be a long journey, huh?" Aeris questioned.  
  
"Yeah, and this is just the beginning. The big evil will be just ahead of us," Vincent  
responded.  
  
Cloud and co. then purchase their tickets, waits for the Pakistan-bound plane, rides it,  
and they're off!   
  
***  
  
Squall and his buddies suddenly materialize right in the office of the CIA chief. The  
chief is astonished. "Hey, who are you and what are you doing?"  
  
Squall, thinking that the intelligence head honcho is a military man, abruptly salutes him.  
"Sir, SeeD Private First Class Squall Leonhart reporting for duty, sir," he said.   
  
His friends then salutes and gives their ranks and full names, all saying that they are  
reporting for duty.  
  
The chief then said, "Hey, I don't know that SeeD thingy."  
  
"Sir, we are from an another world, sir," Quistis reported. "Sir, we are on a mission to  
eliminate the terrorists in Afghanistan, sir."  
  
"Well, you want to fight the al-Qaeda and the Taliban, don't you?" the chief responded.  
"Then go to the Pentagon. You will have a short training there since you are all foreign   
military personnel."  
  
"Sir, yes, sir," the whole team answered.  
  
As directed by the CIA chief, Squall and co. go to the Pentagon. But a few miles away,   
they see smoke emanating from the US military HQ.   
  
"There must be a fire," Irvine said. "Let's do the natural thing: helping."  
  
So they quickly respond and help the struggling firefighters douse out the flames. And  
after fifteen minutes, the whole fire is gone.  
  
Just then the US secretary of defense arrives at the fire scene. He reacted, "Very good.  
You have put out the flames totally! I give my thanks to those nine civilians who helped  
the firefighters. As a reward, I will turn them into Green Berets."  
  
Laguna is surprised by the secretary's decision. "Oh, just for putting out that fire, we   
get promoted?"  
  
"Hey, respect his decision," Selphie interrupted. "At least he's giving us a chance."  
  
Later, the secretary gives a surprise press conference to formally promote the strangers   
as fully-pledged Green Berets. At the point where they are made to wear green berets on   
their heads as a sign, they react.  
  
"Sir, hey, why would you let us wear those strange hats, sir?" Zell questioned.  
  
"Sir, we would be happy if we just keep those berets as souvenirs, sir," Rinoa added.  
  
"Hmmm... If it's your wish, it's your wish. But remember, obey first before you complain,"  
the secretary said.  
  
"Sir, yes, sir!" the whole team responded.  
  
The press conference ends, and the team is made to ride a C-130 plane heading for where   
else? Afghanistan. It's what the secretary wished for.  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Zidane and co. (plus the Invincible II) appear in a deserted, remote island.   
This island belongs to none other than the Marquesas Islands, the site of the fourth   
"Survivor" challenge.  
  
"Man, I think we've landed in some remote place," Zidane said. "I don't think we can go  
to Afghanistan in this situation."  
  
"You monkey, we have the airship, still intact!" Steiner reacted. "So going there is  
as easy as slicing a dead bug in half!"  
  
"We've got no other choice," Eiko demanded. "So let's go!"  
  
Then the Invincible II throttles in full glory. It sails over the land and over the sea,  
until...  
  
"What? The airship's falling?" everyone wondered.  
  
And it splashes right into the Indian Ocean.  
  
"Looks like we will paddle our way through Saudi Arabia," Freya said.  
  
Follwing Freya's proposal, the group dismantles some of the airship's wooden parts to serve  
as paddles. Afterwards, they slowly, s-l-o-w-l-y sail their way to the KSA. It took them   
five days to accomplish that.   
  
"Whew, this is so tiring," Vivi Jr. complained.  
  
"Hmph. And even harder is the entry to Afghanistan," Amarant added. "Not only the Arabs  
don't accept strangers, but also suspects them of being Israeli supporters."  
  
Despite their own complaints, they force their way into most of the Middle East. Because  
of Zidane's stealth ablities, they luckily sneak into Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Iran,  
and finally Afghanistan. And after their second ordeal, they rest in a western Afghan town,  
wondering...  
  
"Are the terrorists products of the Mist?"  
  
***  
  
Well, Tidus and co. are the luckiest of the four groups. You know why? They landed right  
smack into the Tora Bora mountains in Afghanistan. But little do they know that they face   
immediate danger.  
  
"Are we in Afghanistan?" Tidus wondered. Only Wakka is with him since they arrived first.  
  
"Hoo boy. Now let's forget the blitzball rivalry," Wakka reacted.  
  
"You're right."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Watch out for those bombs!"  
  
They run for their lives as a B-52 bomber scatters small but terrible bombs over the   
mountain range.  
  
Luckily they avoid the bombs and gunshots they encounter on their way.  
  
They later arrive on a camp, with the sign in front boldly showing the following:  
  
UNITED STATES ARMY  
CAMP RHINO  
CHARLIE COMPANY  
CAMP JUSTICE FOR AMERICA  
We the people of the United States of America are going to kick your ass.  
  
"Uh, are we the ones who are pointed here in this sign?" Wakka asked.   
  
"...Yes," Tidus agreed.   
  
Seconds later some US marines point their M-16's at them.   
  
"Surrender peacefully, and we'll send you two to jail," one of them said.  
  
Afterwards, the marines send Tidus and Wakka to the camp's prison cell in a military   
cadence-like fashion.  
  
There they meet not only Yuna and the others, but Cloud, Squall, Zidane, and their   
respective buddies.  
  
What fate awaits the thirty-four (or possibly more) heroes?   
  
***  
  
Justice is not brought alone by might... --Cecil's dark side (FF4) 


	5. Finding the Boss

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden   
Chapter Five: Finding the Boss  
  
(Sorry if the update gets late. It's because of school. --Author)  
  
"Yuna, I thought that you're transported into some far place. I really never wanna go to  
a place alone since I was sucked to Spira," Tidus said with a sigh of relief.  
  
"That's okay, Tidus, we are still in one piece. Now the two main things that we should worry  
are our imprisonment and those people over there whom we didn't know," Yuna replied.  
  
Meanwhile, Cloud, Squall, Zidane, and their buddies worry of another threat: death penalty.  
Since they have been imprisoned at least once before, they are used to being in jail.  
They introduce themselves, then talk about their fate. Let's hear their conversation.  
  
Cloud: Oh man, this is the second time that I've been in jail.   
  
Zidane: But mind you, my former prison cell was more dangerous. Below the cell it's no   
ordinary bubble bath. It's hot lava.  
  
Squall: ...You possibly can't beat me in terms of afflicted torture. I was electrocuted,  
you know. (Sighs)  
  
Zidane: Electro-what?   
  
Squall: ...  
  
Zidane: You silent fart.  
  
Quistis: That's because you don't have advanced technology in your world, Zidane. If I get  
it right, the most advanced invention there is... (pauses) ...the steam engine.  
  
Zidane: Got it right.  
  
(Tidus and co. overhear the conversation and decides to butt in, but...)  
  
Cid: (Shouts) Hey you @#$% spies, you're overhearing our conversation! Get your ^&*(ing   
candy %^&$ outta here!  
  
Tidus: Hey, we're FF characters like you are! So let us in!  
  
Cid: If you said it right, then join the club. What are your names anyway?  
  
Tidus: I'm Tidus, and this is Yuna... (etc., etc.)  
  
Selphie: Come join us! It's fun to talk!  
  
(Tidus and co. join the rest of the group)  
  
Aeris: So, how did you two guys come here last?  
  
Wakka: Well, after we appear in a mountain region, we dodged bombs and gunshots flying all  
over the place.  
  
Tidus: Then we saw a sign that said "USA will kick your butts" or something like that.  
Some weird-looking soldiers then pointed their guns at us and sent us here in this prison.  
  
Zidane: Remember that this country that we are now is called Afghanistan, right?  
  
Red XIII: Right. And our main objective is to eliminate a merciless terrorist.  
  
Irvine: I wonder who he is.  
  
(Two US marines who are guarding the prison overhear the conversation and approach them  
afterwards.)  
  
Marine A: Hey, you want to beat Osama bin Laden, don't you?  
  
Cait Sith: Who's that?  
  
Marine A: The terrorist you're talking about. The one responsible for destroying the World  
Trade Center.  
  
Cloud, Squall, Zidane, Tidus: Ahhh... I know. The two buildings blown up by two airplanes.  
  
Marine B: Correct. So we realize that you're not terrorists at all. Sorry for what we've  
done a while ago. We will tell our superior that you're not members of Al-Qaeda or Taliban.  
  
Laguna: Al-Qaeda?  
  
Kiros: Taliban?  
  
Laguna and Kiros: What's that?  
  
Ward: ...  
  
Marine B: Those two pesky grups associated with bin Laden. Anyway, we'll release you all.  
  
Tifa: Whew, what a relief. So we'll be released after all.  
  
Marine A: Especially pretty girls like you who wear sexy costumes.  
  
Tifa: Shut up, you perverts!  
  
Quina: Yeah! No harrass sexy girls!  
  
Marine B: Just wait here, and we'll release you in no time.  
  
(The two marines leave to inform their commander.)  
  
Vivi Jr.: Uh, are those terrorists merciless like Kuja?  
  
Zidane: Yeah, they are. They even use weapons of mass destruction to achieve their evil  
goals.  
  
Cloud: Do they use a Mako cannon?  
  
Squall: Do they use missiles?  
  
Tidus: Do they send out mechanical freaks?  
  
Zidane: ...  
  
Rikku: I think Zidane's now Squall. (Chuckles)  
  
Freya: Sounds like a personality exchange.  
  
(The two marines come back.)  
  
Marine A: Now you're free to go! Good luck on your fight!  
  
Marine B: And don't forget to support our comrades!  
  
Yuffie: Where, like, are they?  
  
Marine A: They're everywhere; on land, sea, and air.   
  
Marine B: SCRAM NOW! Or else we'll send you back to jail!  
  
Kimahri: Let's go.   
  
Then the whole group leaves the camp. Feeling some confidence now that they are ready to   
face bin Laden, they run in the safe areas of the Tora Bora mountains while dodging bombs  
and bullets. They do that for hours, until one of the Vivis faints.  
  
"Vivi V! Do not fall down like an unstable structure!" shouted Steiner.  
  
The whole group then rushes Vivi into a very remote mountain cave. There they use medicinal  
items and curing spells on the poor little black mage until he is fully recovered.  
  
"You had us worry much," Lulu said breathingly.  
  
"Yeah, and we are almost blown out by that bomb because of you! Don't be a lousy ass next  
time, OK?" Zell added.  
  
"This is a big problem, guys," said Cloud. "With our strange costumes that the marines and  
the terrorists won't recognize, we'll be dead meat."  
  
"So how do we get rid o' those guns pointin' at us?" Barret asked.  
  
"I know," Zidane answered. "We'll disguise ourselves."  
  
"Whom will we disguise, mister? Terrorist or counter-terrorist?" Auron asked while pointing  
his big sword at Zidane.  
  
"Heard of the Northern Alliance? It's an Afghan anti-Taliban group. Problem is, the Northern  
Alliance fighters dress like the Taliban and Al-Qaeda fighters."  
  
"So how do we get those costumes?"  
  
"We'll sneak up those Taliban guys roaming around, snatch their costumes, and wear them.  
That's it."  
  
"But how about the girls? The Muslims don't delpoy women into fighting," Rinoa said.  
  
Suddenly a strange being approaches the group while butt-walking.  
  
"Hey! I know you! You're The Red Guy from Cow and Chicken, aren't you?" Squall yelled.  
  
"Hello! Yes, it's me! Want some tips to keep alive from the dangerous Afghan environment?"  
said The Red Guy, who is wearing an Arab costume minus the pants.  
  
"Yes. The boys will snatch the Taliban men's costumes and wear them as disguises, but us  
girls can't wear any disguises! What's the solution?" Rinoa pleaded.  
  
"Oh, don't you worry, fair ladies. Ever heard of a burqa? If you don't know it, it's a   
woman's costume that covers the whole body, except for the eyes."  
  
"Sounds like a perfect disguise," Eiko whispered.  
  
The Red Guy then presents his long line of burqas. The burqas come in different colors and  
are made of various materials: cotton, polyester, even nylon. He explains, "All of those  
burqas can now be yours for only... (drum roll) one million gil!"  
  
"Gil? We don't have gil, just dollars," Cloud said.  
  
"Let's see... The exchange rate is one dollar is to 94 gil... So you'll pay $10,638.30!"  
  
"Sorry, we don't have enough money," Vincent replied. "We've spent some of them in   
riding an airplane from Argentina."  
  
"OK, the price is now $5,319.35; it's 50% off!"  
  
"Hey, you fat-ass guy! Give those damn burqas for free!" Cid shouted.  
  
"......OK. I'm really not running a business here, just a lost foreigner in a remote   
country."  
  
Then The Red Guy gives all the burqas to the women. He then says, "Is that all?"  
  
"We think that's it. We're moving out. Bye!" said the whole group to The Red Guy.  
  
Then he whispers, "Do they really have the guts to fight that bearded, diaper-headed guy?  
I'm sure that they have..."  
  
A big missile speeds its way to the pantless person. And before he finishes his statement,  
the missile explodes. It then turns him into a black statue that will puzzle archeologists  
in the future.  
  
After they leave the cave, the group transfers to a ruined house that was formerly a   
training camp for Al-Qaeda. Since it was bombed, they consider it to be a safe place for  
the ladies to change their costumes.  
  
"Now you boys must stay here outside to guard us. And, I'm saying it again, no peeking!"  
Aeris warned.  
  
While the boys lazily stare at the mountains for signs of attacks, the ladies change into  
their burqas.   
  
"Hmmm... This burqa thing looks like a gown. It's okay for me," Garnet said.  
  
"But look at me! When I wear this, it's kinda hot inside! Not good for me," Tifa complained.  
  
"That's because you always wear skimpy outfits. You're like a sex symbol in this case,"  
Yuna replied.  
  
"What sex symbol? Hey, you summoner, don't call me a prostitute either! I always value  
clean living, don't I?"  
  
"Hey, Yunie, I feel the same way Tifa does," Rikku reacted.  
  
"So that counts two sex symbols!" Yuna told the rest of the girls.  
  
"Hey, don't call me a sex symbol, or else, I'll pummel you like no other woman does!"  
  
The rest of the girls join either Yuna or Tifa. Afterwards, they fight each other.   
Literally.  
  
As the fight gets longer, the boys notice the house.  
  
"Oh! No fight. Wear burqa now. We late," Quina appealed. (Note: I consider Quina as a "he".  
--Author)  
  
"Hey! Aeris said that we musn't peek into the house," Cait Sith said.  
  
"But we must check on the ladies if they wear their burqas already. We are waiting too   
long," Steiner said in a level tone.  
  
"...All right. But we'll be liable if we see the ladies barenaked," Laguna responded.  
  
As the boys slowly approach the house, the fighting stops. There they see the ladies...   
NAKED! (Or partly. I don't want this story to be rated R. --Author)  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" the boys shouted as the girls focus their fighting on the boys.  
  
Around the mountains, into the valleys, the girls continually chase the boys; dodging what-  
ever outside threat they see. They are almost tired when they bump into a tall, dark  
being. He wears a gold-laced white suit and a head turban. He even sports the long, black-  
gray beard and the evil, banal smile.   
  
"I-It's O-o-s-sama... b-bin L-l-l-ad-d-en..." the whole group said, trembling.  
  
The fabled, most merciless terrorist who advocates a fake Islamic cause. The one who hates  
everything and anything American and Israeli. Facing a band of heroes from four outside  
worlds.  
  
Will this impeding battle become the "Fight of the Century", or just a five-second suckfest?  
  
Keep your eyes peeled. And if you want to contribute through your reviews, please do so.  
The author will be glad to hear from you. So review now.  
  
(End of chapter) 


	6. The Ultimate Battle (Part 1)

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter Six: The Ultimate Battle (Part 1)  
  
(The reason why this chapter took too long to update is that because I WANT MORE REVIEWS!!!  
Your help will be my pleasure. Thanks. --Author)  
  
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....  
I don't know you yet,  
But I am sure  
That you are all allies of those two pathetic countries,  
America and Israel.  
Trying to challenge the great power of jihad...  
I sense in you a power I could feel...  
But no matter...  
In the name of Allah...  
I WILL STILL VANQUISH YOU ALL!  
  
***  
  
Those are the words of the big boss of Islamic fundamentalism, Osama bin Laden.  
  
The group still trembles and sweats under the hot Afghan sun.  
  
Vincent: ............Here it goes, everyone. Now get ready to face an evil one...  
  
Cloud: More merciless than Sephiroth.  
  
Squall: More ambitious than Seifer and Edea.  
  
Zidane: Weirder and bolder than Kuja.  
  
Tidus: And practically more grotesque than Sin.  
  
Tifa and Aeris: No knowledge of love and peace...  
  
Rinoa: No respect for everyone else...  
  
Garnet: No real lease in life...  
  
Yuna: No real faith in the Almighty God.  
  
The rest of the team: SO WE'LL TOTALLY ELIMINATE YOU AND YOUR EVIL SCHEMES!  
  
Steiner: COMMENCE!  
  
The rest of the team: ATTACK!  
  
And the real battle begins.   
  
(Note: I'm making the fight with Osama a truly FF-based battle. That is, you'll see the   
stats and rants of friend and foe alike. Also, be prepared for surprises as the battle drags  
on. You'll love them, you know. --Author)  
  
bin Laden: Hehehe. You won't basically play with me yet. You'll play first with a hundred  
of my best warriors. (Calls 100 Taliban and Al-Qaeda fighters) So enjoy your play with none  
other than... DEATH! Hahahahaha....  
  
Vivi III: (shrivels in fear) They're too many...  
  
Auron: But they're just ordinary schmucks.  
  
Barret: One big shot at 'em and there asses're kicked.  
  
Laguna: Let's get it on!  
  
Garnet: Wait a second! I have to scan those enemies first.  
  
Red XIII: But it will take too long for you to do that.  
  
Dagger: So...... (thinks for too long)  
  
Cid: Dammit, you ^%$* slow princess! Just use my spare All materia and it's done. (Searches   
his pocket, but the materia's gone) Hey, Yuffie, get my !@#$%^*()*^%$#@^&&^%$@## materia   
back, you #$$%^&*((&^%$##$%&((!!!!!  
  
Yuffie: ....Uh, like, I dropped it.  
  
Cid: Why you $%^&*(()(*^%^$##!!!!!  
  
Freya: I'll go fetch the materia. (Leaves battle area)  
  
Tidus: Get it fast. Those guys are ready to open fire at us.  
  
All of the fighters point their Kalashnikov rifles to one unlucky person, Selphie.  
  
Fighters: ALLAHU AKBAR! (God is great!)   
  
They fire their guns at once, and Selphie takes 9999 damage. She dies.   
  
Squall: Oh no! Selphie's killed instantly!  
  
Eiko: Don't worry boy, I'll do something.   
  
Eiko attempts to cast Full-life on Selphie, but gets fired first by the fighters. She also   
takes 9999 damage and dies.  
  
Zidane: No, Eiko, not you! Steiner, use a Phoenix Down on her.  
  
Steiner: Affirmative.  
  
The fighters open fire on Steiner. Steiner takes no damage thanks to his armor. Steiner uses  
Phoenix Down on Selphie. Selphie is revived with 235 HP left.  
  
Steiner: I used it on the wrong person! Apologies, Zidane.  
  
Selphie: Quisty, use your Shockwave Pulsar while I deal with the little girl.  
  
Quistis: Yes.  
  
Quistis casts Shockwave Pulsar. All of the enemies deal no damage at all.  
  
Quistis: What?!... That was my most powerful technique.  
  
bin Laden: We're immune to your flimsy blue magic!  
  
Meanwhile, Selphie revives Eiko with 155 HP left, then casts Full-cure on the whole team.  
The whole team is now fully cured.  
  
Freya arrives with the materia.  
  
Freya: Here... I got it. Garnet, catch!  
  
Garnet catches the All materia and equips it. She then uses Scan simultaneously on all   
enemies. Here are the results.  
  
OSAMA BIN LADEN  
HP: 10,000,000/10,000,000  
MP: 10,000,000/10,000,000  
Description: The world's most-hated terrorist. Responsible for the September 11 attack  
of the World Trade Center and other similar attacks. Gathers powers from all of FF's final   
bosses.  
Type: Flying Monster  
Facts: No effect against all elements.  
Items in possession: Nothing.  
  
AL-QAEDA FIGHTER (x50)  
HP: 2,000/2,000 (each)  
MP: 9,999/9,999 (each)  
Description: A member of Al-Qaeda, or The Base. Always ready to die because of jihad.  
Type: Human  
Facts: Weak against Poison.  
Items in possession: 5 Grenades per individual.  
  
TALIBAN FIGHTER (x50)  
HP: 2,500/2,500 (each)  
MP: 9,999/9,999 (each)  
Description: A militant Islamic student who got influenced by the jihad against America  
and its allies.  
Type: Human  
Facts: Weak against Poison.  
Items in possession: One Elixir per individual.  
  
Garnet: What...? bin Laden's more powerful than I thought.  
  
Squall: If I remember right, bin Laden has the power equal to 10 Omega Weapons...  
  
Zidane: This diaper-head's too much for me!  
  
Tidus: Gosh, he's more powerful than Sin.  
  
Cloud: But don't worry guys, we have lots of buddies with us. For me, that bin Laden guy's  
belly-up.  
  
Lulu: Attention! Focus first on the fighters!  
  
Tifa: Why?  
  
Lulu: Remember when Tidus and some of us fought Seymour and Wendigo? We squashed the Guado   
Guardians before those baddies. That gave us a sure win. Do the same thing. Kill the  
fighters first.  
  
Zell: Right!  
  
Zell casts Aura on himself, putting him in Limit Break status. He combos a Taliban fighter,  
then performs My Final Heaven on all of the Taliban fighters. 49 of them suffer 7592 damage  
and die, while the remaining one suffered 15375 damage (total) and dies too.  
  
Zell: Yeah! Piece of cake!  
  
bin Laden: Arrrgh! How can you kill my precious Taliban soldiers? In revenge, I'll do   
something humiliating to you!  
  
bin Laden performs Ultra Charge, a move which lets him acquire the moves of one of FF's final  
bosses. In this case, he acquires Ultimecia's powers.  
  
bin Laden: Now taste my hatred! Hell's Judgement!  
  
The following have been hit by Hell's Judgement and now have 1 HP left:  
Zell  
Tifa   
Lulu  
Cloud   
Rikku  
Amarant  
  
Zell: How dare you! You used that b****'s powers!  
  
Tifa: Ahh... Cloud... save me...  
  
Lulu: If I can unleash my fury...  
  
Cloud: Aeris... help us...  
  
Rikku: If I can snatch those greandes...  
  
Amarant: .............DIE IN LANI'S NAME!  
  
Zell, Cloud, and Amarant team up to perform Merciless Pummel 'n' Slash. bin Laden has been  
hit 24 times with 54396 damage. However, six Al-Qaeda fighters use their X-Potions to heal  
bin Laden with a total of 60000 HP. bin Laden is now fully cured.  
  
Lulu: I told you to finish off those fighters first! You really have a short attention span,  
Zell. This is how you REALLY do it.  
  
Lulu casts Quadruplecast on herself, then casts Ultima four times on four Al-Qaeda fighters.  
The four enemies suffer 8356 damage and die.  
  
Rikku: (whipers to Tifa) Hey, let's steal their grenades and toss them back at them.  
  
Tifa: (whispers) Wow! What a great idea! But... we both have 1 HP left. We must watch out.  
  
Yuffie: Hey! Join me! I know how to steal!  
  
Zidane: Me too! I'm a thief!  
  
Rikku: OK!  
  
Rikku brings out a poster of... Val Venis?!? And by unexpected chance the poster comes to  
life. (V.V.'s theme plays.)  
  
Val Venis: Hello, ladies! You need my help?  
  
Rikku: Uh, please get me to Overdrive status.  
  
Val Venis: Sure.  
  
Val then performs a sexual dance that makes Rikku go crazy. Afterwards, Rikku removes her  
upper clothing. After five minutes, Val finishes his dance, and Rikku is now on   
Overdrive.   
  
The screen picks some static, then a man in blue, accompanied by The Rock, appears.  
  
The Rock: Let me, the People's Champ, give you a word of advice from the creator, Hironobu  
Sakaguchi.  
  
H. Sakaguchi: My FF characters don't strip their clothes, especially in battles. I'll punish  
the one who made Rikku strip. And he's none other than... Val Venis! Rock, go after him!  
  
The Rock: Yes, sir! And remember, bin Laden, you'll ultimately smelelelelelelelelelelelll  
what the Rock... (raises his People's Eyebrow)... is cooking. (leaves)  
  
Now back to regular programming.  
  
No, not regular programming... cause we're running out of time! See ya in the next phase  
of the ultimate fight against bin Laden!   
  
(end of chapter) 


	7. The Ultimate Battle (Part 2)

The Most Ominous Treat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter Seven: The Ultimate Battle (Part 2)  
  
Now back to REAL regular programming.  
  
Tidus: Uh, Rikku... (blushes)  
  
Rikku: Yes, Tidus?  
  
Tidus: (still blushes) Uh... I would like to ask you to... PLEASE PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES!   
YOU'RE TOPLESS!  
  
Rikku: Oops... sorry. Val Venis did this. (Puts back upper clothing)  
  
Yuna: Hey, we must concentrate on the fighters first. If you don't, I'll do it.   
  
Yuna tries to summon Anima, but someone else comes out.  
  
Yuna: What in the world are you doing?  
  
????: If you don't know who I am, then I'll tell you.   
  
Then The Rock's theme plays.  
  
The Rock: This is The Rock, The People's Champ. And who are you?   
  
Yuna: I'm... Yuna. I'm a summoner. I didn't mean to...  
  
The Rock: (Raises his right hand to stop Yuna from talking) Well, I know what you did.  
You tried to summon Anima, but The Rock took her place. You see, she was sent to Basilan,   
Philippines as a last resort to eliminate the Abu Sayyaf terrorist group. Now, Square had  
nothing to do but to hire The People's Champ.  
  
Yuna: Okay... Now, would you want to kill those fighters accompanying bin Laden first?  
  
The Rock: Sorry, summoner, but The Rock must deal with another meddling person.  
  
Yuna: Who?  
  
The Rock: Val Venis. The one who made your friend, Rikku, strip.  
  
Yuna: Just do it immediately!  
  
The Rock: As you wish.  
  
The Rock spots Val besides Rikku, and gets into a duel with him.  
  
Val Venis: What the? Rock, why are you here?  
  
The Rock: The Rock has been sent by someone named Hironobu Sakaguchi to kick your candy ass   
for doing an indecent thing to an FF character! Now, have at you!  
  
A mini-battle between The Rock and Val begins. Squall and Rinoa left the battle area to   
watch the bout.  
  
Meanwhile, the remaining Al-Qaeda fighters are puzzled over Rikku's issue.   
  
Al-Qaeda Fighter A: Now, some REAL action!  
  
Al-Qaeda Fighter B: Hey! Master Osama'll punish us if we don't follow his orders!  
  
Al-Qaeda Fighter A: Shut up!   
  
bin Laden: Hey you two! What are you debating about?  
  
Al-Qaeda Fighter A and B: ...  
  
bin Laden: Are you two spies of Israel? Then taste this!  
  
Bin Laden casts Ultima on both fighters. The fighters take 7500 damage each and die.  
  
Steiner: Yes! Those scoundrels get a dose of their own medicine at bin Laden's hands. Now 44   
fighters are left. Because of that, let us perform an all-out attack at the remaining   
ones.  
  
Irvine: Sounds good, but where's Squall and Rinoa?  
  
Steiner: They disappeared! Auron, search for them!  
  
Auron leaves the battle area to find the two.  
  
On the other hand, The Rock and Val pummel each other. Squall and Rinoa get excited when  
the Scorpion King Rock Bottoms a defenseless Big Valbowski. But then, something pointy  
touches Squall's nape.  
  
Squall: ...  
  
Auron: Won't you go back to serious business?  
  
Rinoa: Auron, stop!  
  
Auron: I'll mince you if you make a wrong move.   
  
The Rock: Hey, you drunken sword player! Don't harm two of the millions...  
  
All FanFiction.Net Authors: AND MILLIONS!  
  
The Rock: ...of Rock's fans. So get the hell outta here! The Rock'll just take them back to   
your area.  
  
Auron: ... (Leaves)  
  
The Rock: Now, Squall, Rinoa, watch the People's Elbow!  
  
The Rock then performs the People's Elbow. With his agility and power set to the maximum,  
Val receives 23748 damage and faints.  
  
Val Venis: Sorry... I must... be... decent... from now... on...  
  
A portal appears and sucks Val away from Afghanistan for sure.  
  
Meanwhile, there are some US marines and Northern Alliance fighters watching the fight from  
afar using advanced equipment.  
  
Marine: Didn't you see that? Those people really mean business.  
  
N. A. Fighter: I agree. They really are great assets in Bush's campaign against terrorism.  
  
Marine: But why in the world did those people appear in the first place?  
  
N. A. Fighter: I dunno.   
  
Marine: So let's keep it a secret from our commander.  
  
N. A. Fighter: Sure.  
  
Back at the battle area...  
  
Aeris: What took them so long?  
  
Barret: Dey mus' be watchin' a wrasslin' fight o'er dere.  
  
While the rest of the group watches and waits, bin Laden reveals the remaining Al-Qaeda   
fighters as mere spies.   
  
bin Laden: So you are all American spies! I'm getting enough of them! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!  
  
bin Laden performs Ultra Charge and acquires Kefka's moves. He then casts Fallen One on  
the fighters, causing their individual HP's to be 1.  
  
bin Laden: Now taste the TRUE jihad! Flare Star!  
  
The fighters all suffer 9999 damage and die.  
  
Meanwhile, Squall, Rinoa, and Auron come back to the battle area.  
  
Laguna: What took you guys so long?  
  
Squall: ...whatever.  
  
Rinoa: Eh, we watched The Rock in action.  
  
Amarant: Wait! Are you mentioning the People's Champ and the Scorpion King?  
  
Kimahri: Wrestling, fun.  
  
Cloud: Hey look! Bin Laden's the only enemy left!  
  
Cait Sith: But why?  
  
Cloud: I watched him kill the Al-Qaeda fighters due to disloyalty.  
  
Eiko: Yehey! Now that bearded freak is ours to fight! Right, pretty boy?  
  
Zidane: Uh, yeah.  
  
Garnet: Eiko, why don't you quit flirting over my husband! He's mine, all mine!  
  
And with that, the fuel that flared the Garnet-Eiko and Tifa-Aeris disputes gets even   
bigger.   
  
Aeris: Now that reminds me of my liking for Cloud! He promised me that we'll marry after  
defeating bin Laden!  
  
Tifa: What the?! You and Cloud'll marry? I won't allow that!  
  
Aeris: Shut up, you Pamela Anderson Lee wannabe!  
  
Tifa: I'll just reduce you to a mere flower girl and not a bride! And I'll be the bride!  
  
Aeris: No!  
  
Tifa: Yes!  
  
Aeris: No!  
  
Just then three people appear from the sky, riding inside a big bubble.  
  
Unknown Person A: Ha! Now the good ol' times roll!  
  
Unknown Person B: See the four women fight out for the hearts of two young men.  
  
Unknown Person C: Shut up! You see, bin Laden's the main villain in this story!  
  
Moonlight Bomber (that's me): In case you don't know, those three are Brad, Chrischi, and  
Destined-Warrior, the authors of RPG Wrestling, Final Fantasy Federation, and The Battle of  
the Blond Heroes, respectively. They will have a special appearance here in yours truly's  
work.  
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: Thanks. You really have a stroke of creativity here.  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Ah, don't mention it.  
  
Moonlight Bomber suddenly appears in front of Garnet, Eiko, Tifa, and Aeris.  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Hey! Won't you pretty girls stop fighting? You see, your main enemy's   
Osama bin Laden. So stop it! I'm dead serious!  
  
Aeris: ...Okay. But promise me that Cloud and I will marry.   
  
Moonlight Bomber: Why?  
  
Aeris: YOU'LL pay the reception expenses.  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Oh no!  
  
Eiko: Now I REALLY accept that it's Zidane and Garnet after all.  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Good girl. As a bonus, I'll make you the flower girl in Cloud and Aeris's  
wedding.  
  
Eiko: Yehey!  
  
Tifa: But what about me? What'll be my role in that stupid wedding?  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Tifa, you'll be the...  
  
bin Laden: HEY YOU WORST ENEMIES OF MINE! Stop chitchatting with the damn creator and fight  
me!  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Oops. Gotta go. Bin Laden'll blast me if I stay for too long.  
  
Tifa: But what about the...  
  
Moonlight Bomber disapperars.  
  
Destined-Warrior: Yes! Now the real battle begins!  
  
Chrischi: We'll be the special commentators in this bout.  
  
Brad: And we're now gathering lots of spectators in this 10-kilometer arena! And it's live!  
Right on CNN!  
  
Destined-Warrior: So stay tuned! We'll have a 30-minute commercial break after this.  
And remember, no switching!  
  
(end of chapter) 


	8. The Ultimate Battle (Part 3)

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter Eight: The Ultimate Battle (Part 3)  
  
(start of commercial break)  
  
(Note: Most of the following commercials are spoofs of Philippine TV shows and commercials.  
Please bear with us. Thanks.)   
  
Young Girl: In our house, we have six toothpastes. But for the toothbrush, there's only one!  
My toothbrush!  
  
Announcer: For stronger teeth everytime you brush...  
  
Young Girl: My toothbrush!  
  
***  
  
A man calls his maid, Inday (pronounced as in-DAI), on the phone.  
  
Man: Inday, my car was crashed! I'm broke! I need cash! Get the money from the drawer!  
  
Inday: Are you really Sir?  
  
Man: Yes, it's me, Sir!  
  
Inday: Dammit! The real Sir calls me "CUPCAKE!" And because of the PLTD Callboy ID,   
8334000's your number! I'll tell the police and they'll arrest you! (slams the handset down)  
  
Announcer: Secure your family with the PLTD Callboy ID.  
  
***  
  
Can't get enough of chocobos and moogles? Then own those cute little stuffed toys for only...  
(drum roll)... $2,499.97! A complete set! Sponsored by the Franklin Mint in cooperation with  
the Sorceress Association of Ultimecia Castle.  
  
***  
  
An intensified court scene happens.  
  
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?  
  
Suspect: ...(struggles)  
  
Court Spectator A: Looks like he's guilty!  
  
Court Spectator B: Of what?  
  
Court Spectator A: He's guilty of diarrhea!  
  
Judge: Say something!  
  
Witness's Client: Say it!  
  
Victim's Client: Say it!  
  
The people in the court chant the same thing.  
  
Announcer: Have nothing to say because of diarrhea? Take Paulymagna.  
  
Judge: (smashes his hammer) Order in the court!  
  
Suspect: (stands, farts loudly and s*** comes out flowing later) AAAAAAAAAA! (gets out of   
his stand)  
  
The people approach the suspect but later turn away fom him.  
  
Bailiff: Yuck! What's that?  
  
Witness: He made the poop fly in this court, your honor.  
  
Judge: I hereby accuse the suspect of diarrhea. Punishment: Reclusion perpetua in the toilet!  
Guards, take him away.  
  
Guard A: We can't, your honor. He stinks.  
  
Guard B: Let's get outta here!  
  
And there is so much commotion in the stampede that happened afterwards.  
  
Announcer: Paulymagna. The anti-diarrheal. Don't be guilty. Cow Crap is the generic name for   
Paulymagna. If symptoms persist, insult your doctor.  
  
***  
  
Next Show: Dexter's Final Fantasy: Mandark and Jenova's Revenge! Only here on FanFiction.Net!  
Prices subject to availability. Offer good while supplies last.  
  
***  
  
Do those curses and bad gossip bother your everyday life? Then use this: Shaddap Anti-Noise   
Spray! It's like casting Silence on your worst enemy! Available only for $499.95! Made   
exclusively by Luca Blight and Co. and distributed by The New MagiTek-Shinra Products Inc.  
  
***  
  
Mission: Ek  
  
Erwin Turbo: Our hidden cameras reveal the reason why hotdogs are always scarce at Balamb   
Garden's cafeteria. Some corrupt Garden official sumggled those hotdogs to three persons named   
Ed, Edd and Eddy. So Headmaster Cid Kramer and Zell Dincht, take notice! More of that in Mission:   
Ek. Today at 5:30 p.m. only on ABN-CBS.  
  
***  
  
(Song played in background: Talk and talk is not just talk, talk and talk... ah, whatever.)  
  
A man in a restaurant slurps his soup when he sees someone holding a Bokia 6910 cellphone.  
Since he wants to get that model for himself, he just dumps his current cellphone in his  
soup. The other people inside do the same. Later, the man and the others (except a waiter)  
leave the restaurant. The waiter then grabs his chance to eat the soups since he's terribly  
hungry. But, he doesn't know that the "dumped" cellphones in the soups are eaten whole!  
After an hour, he feels something in his anus. He immediately goes to the CR and defecates.  
There, he is surprised to see the cellphones in the toilet bowl! He shouts: YOU !@#$%%^&&**)  
(*##$%&^**(*^$#!@ING CUSTOMERS!!!!!  
  
Bokia. Disconnecting People.  
  
(end of commercial break)  
  
***  
  
Brad: And now we're back to the ultimate fight against Osama bin Laden!  
  
Chrischi: Righto, buddy!  
  
Destined-Warrior: We really have a capacity crowd here! US and British troops, Northern Alliance  
fighters, Afghan refugees, rooftop viewers... oh, what the heck. I just watched "I Want To Be   
Your Canary"! You name it, all of them are here in the Tora Bora mountains!  
  
Chrischi: Will these 35-odd heroes defeat such a powerful terrorist that even Dragon Ball  
super villains just have to shrink in fear?  
  
Brad: This fight's unpredictable, dudes! Bin Laden's a crafty strategist. He'll do anything,  
by hook or by crook, just to get the "Muslim" cause.  
  
Destined-Warrior: So without further ado, let's start the bout!  
  
Referee Mills Lane comes to the center of the arena.  
  
Mills Lane: OK, fighters, I want a good clean fight. That's simple.  
  
bin Laden: What are you saying, American! Get your butt outta here! (Punches Mr. Lane with  
4323 damage.)  
  
Mills Lane: Arrgh... Let's get it on! (Leaves battle arena)  
  
Bell rings.  
  
Cloud rushes to bin Laden. He whacks his sword, only to be missed many times by bin Laden.  
  
Cloud: You're trying to dodge me, eh?  
  
bin Laden: Ha ha ha! Your sword's no match for mine!  
  
bin Laden brings out the Star Dragon Sword he stole from Viktor (Suikoden 1 and 2), then uses   
it to hack Cloud away. Total damage inflicted to Cloud: 9876.  
  
Cloud: Ahhhhhh....(faints)  
  
Aeris: Cloud! No! (Approaches bin Laden) You bad beard, taste this!  
  
Aeris puts herself in Limit Break mode by using... George W. Bush's "We Will Not Fail"   
statement recorded in her MP3 player! And to Cloud's surprise, she performs the Omnislash  
on bin Laden, causing over 76,000 points of damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9924000.  
  
bin Laden: Huh?! This can't be! A girl like you doesn't do a devastating move!  
  
Rikku: Now it's time to steal all stuff from him! (rushes stealthily)  
  
Zidane: I think there's no other way... (follows Rikku)  
  
Rikku and Zidane try to steal from bin Laden. They search every nook and cranny of him, but  
he notices them and does a psychokinetic attack similar to Garland's or Nakago's (Fushigi  
Yuugi). Both Rikku and Zidane suffer only 4357 damage each due to their ultimate armor.  
  
Zidane: You try to beat the King of Alexandria, ha?  
  
bin Laden: Alexandria? In Egypt? Hosni Mubarak doesn't know that!  
  
Zidane: You fool, the Alexandria that I rule belongs to planet Gaia!  
  
bin Laden: Gaia? I dunno that too!  
  
Zidane: Dammit... Here's something for you, diaper-head! Lucky Seven!  
  
And because Zidane has low luck, he did only 1 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9923999.  
  
bin Laden: You call this an attack? My attack's better!  
  
Bin Laden performs Ultra Charge and acquires Zeromus's moves. He then casts Big Bang on  
Garnet, the Vivis, and Steiner; causing them to suffer only 2345 damage. Neither of the   
seven die.  
  
Steiner: You scoundrel, you acquired your moves from a lousy final boss! Here is my revenge!  
Shock!  
  
Steiner's Shock, as usual, deals 9999 damage to bin Laden. Bin Laden's current HP: 9914000.  
  
bin Laden: ............rrgahh....... Mullah Mohammad Omar [the Taliban leader], take charge!  
(leaves arena)  
  
M. M. Omar: (enters arena) You think the sheik's [bin Laden] the only one you fight? Oh, no,  
you don't! 'Cause the Mullah's here to save the day against you filthy allies of America!  
Hahahaha!  
  
Eiko: Now's my time to scan him!  
  
Brad: Hey! Hey! Hey! Wait a sec!  
  
Eiko: Why?  
  
Chrischi: We don't have enough time left! See ya in the next chapter!  
  
(game paused)  
(end of chapter) 


	9. The Ultimate Battle (Part 4)

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter Nine: The Ultimate Battle (Part 4)  
  
(game unpaused)  
  
Destined-Warrior: Now we're back. For those who just switched to CNN, here's the news update.  
All main characters from Final Fantasy 7, 8, 9, and 10 are currently fighting the meanest  
terrorist ever, Osama bin Laden. But now, bin Laden takes a backseat and calls the Taliban  
leader, Mullah Mohammad Omar, to take his place.  
  
Brad: And now Eiko Carol is doing something to the Mullah.  
  
Eiko: Yeah! Now's my time to scan him!  
  
But while Eiko attempts to do that, a strange van appears in the middle of the battle arena.  
Let's see who are the passengers in the van.  
  
Shaggy: Are you sure this is Tora Bora Mountains, Afghanistan?  
  
Mr. T: Yea! Ya can't compromise this very accurate T-Radar, sucka!  
  
Thelma: Then we can retrieve the Buddhist statues unscathed by the Taliban in this area!  
  
Daphne: But we still have one problem.  
  
Rest of the team: What?  
  
Fred: The great terrorist, Osama bin Laden, is still lurking around here. As we all know,  
he's armed and dangerous.  
  
Scooby-Doo: Yeah! (Imitates bin Laden's face) Hee hee hee hee!  
  
Daphne: We've got no time left! Search the area for the statues!  
  
And the van revolves around the battle field, causing Cloud and his 36 buddies to scatter to  
avoid being bumped.  
  
Chrischi: Why in the world did this van appear?  
  
Brad: Hey! I know! That's the Mystery Machine!   
  
Destined-Warrior: And I'm certain that Scooby-Doo, his buddies, and someone named Mr. T is   
inside it.   
  
Brad: Will those guys spoil this fight? Let's find out.  
  
Cid: What in the $$%^& that $%^& is doing here?  
  
Wakka: Probably a strange machina, ya?  
  
Irvine: No. It's a van. I wonder why it goes loco.  
  
Freya: Never mind the van. Attack whoever the enemy is!  
  
Ward rushes through M. M. Omar with his harpoon, but he accidentally stabbed the approaching   
van. And look who's coming out of the van.  
  
Mr. T: Hey ya sucka, whaddya destroy our vehicle?  
  
Ward: ...  
  
Mr. T: Ya sucka can't speak, eh? Then I'll throw ya out!  
  
Laguna: Please, don't hurt my friend!  
  
Mr. T: What's the reason, sucka?  
  
Laguna: You see, me and my friends are fighting Osama bin Laden, the great terrorist. And  
for a while he backed out and called Mullah Mohammad Omar to take his place. So, would you  
help us?  
  
Mr. T: Ah woul' sure help ya fo' one condition.  
  
Laguna: What?  
  
Mr. T: Would ya repair da damaged van fo' me an' Scooby-Doo's gang?  
  
Laguna: Cid, come here! Repair the van!  
  
Cid: Why do I have to repair that %^&*(* van?  
  
Laguna: So that the stranger over there'll join us in fighting.  
  
Cid: ...I'm an engineer for chrissakes so I'll do this.   
  
Cid approaches the van and fixes it. Meanwhile, Scooby-Doo and his gang went out for some  
fresh air.  
  
M. M. Omar: Hey you meddlesome guys! I'll spoil your broth! Mwahahahahaha!!!!  
  
A battle commences. The FF team takes a backseat here. Most of the time, but not all the time.  
  
M. M. Omar attacks using his Kalashnikov rifle, causing Mr. T and Scooby-Doo's gang to suffer  
5001 damage. Luckily, nobody of them died.  
  
Cid: You $%&^&%$ Taliban mother%^^&er!!!! Taste my spear! Hyper Jump!  
  
Cid performs Hyper Jump and deals 8901 damage to M. M. Omar.  
  
M. M. Omar: Is that all you can do? Here's my way of "thanking" you! Death!  
  
And the Grim Reaper brings doom to the foul-mouthed engineer.  
  
Cloud: Cid! Don't die on me!  
  
Daphne: Don't worry! I'll prepare a Phoenix Down on him!  
  
Daphne uses a Phoenix Down on Cid. Cid is revived with 532 HP left.  
  
Shaggy: Daphne, I'll deal with that Muller... or something like that. (Faces M. M. Omar)  
Now, taste my strength! Hyper Cowering in Fear!  
  
Shaggy shouts as if he's being mauled by a monster. With that, M. M. Omar takes 5 hits and  
5383 damage (total).  
  
Thelma: Now it's my turn! Time Bomb!  
  
Thelma stealthily plants a time bomb on M. M. Omar. The bomb has 30 seconds to explosion.  
  
Thelma: Now, watch out for the enemy's actions! Don't let him throw the bomb at us!  
  
Scooby-Doo and others: Understood!  
  
(25 seconds left.)  
  
Fred: Aha! Now I have an idea! Solid Snake [Metal Gear Solid] gave his M9 gun to me as a   
gift. I'll put this to good use!  
  
Fred brings out his M9 and aims at M. M. Omar, but watch what happens.  
  
Fred: Oh no! I'm not a good marksman! Plus, this gun's a bit heavy!   
  
(15 seconds left.)  
  
M. M. Omar: Ha ha ha! A stupid one like you can't wield a gun properly! Now I'll pop some   
caps in your head!  
  
Scooby-Doo: Fred! No!   
  
(Slow motion)  
  
While M. M. Omar aims his Kalashnikov rifle at Fred, Scooby-Doo runs to Fred and attempts   
to get the M9 so that he (Scooby-Doo) can have a chance for a head shot. But, Fred still   
wants to fire, so he refuses. The two wrestle over the gun, and in this commotion, Scooby-Doo  
accidentaly pulls the trigger of the M9. And the bullet hits the hook that holds the time bomb  
in place. And then, the time bomb falls to the ground.  
  
(End of slow motion)  
  
M. M. Omar: Ha ha ha! You Americans really are idiots! Now, say your prayers... ahem, say  
bye-bye to Earth and say hello to hell! (Throws time bomb at Scooby-Doo and co.)  
  
(7 seconds left.)  
  
Shaggy: No! The bomb!  
  
Daphne: It's coming at us!  
  
Scooby-Doo: (cries)  
  
(4 seconds left.)  
  
3...  
  
Mr. T: Arrgh!  
  
2...  
  
Zidane: Can't you guys do anything?  
  
1...  
  
Suddenly, Tidus performs the Jecht Shot at the bomb. (NB: The Jecht Shot begins with a high  
jump, then a 180-degree upward vertical kick at the ball, or bomb.) The bomb flies away to  
a faraway mountain, and explodes.  
  
Aeris: Whew! A close call!  
  
Lulu: We thought we would be pot roast for sure.  
  
Wakka: And it's all thanks to the star player, ya?  
  
Shaggy: Thank you, you Rivaldo impersonator!  
  
Tidus: Who the heck's Rivaldo?  
  
Daphne: Hey! We've got to beat the Mullah first!  
  
M. M. Omar: So, your plan to explode me is foiled! Now I'll deliver another package for you!  
(Raises right hand)  
  
Chrischi: What kind of mark is this one in the Mullah's right hand?  
  
Brad: Hey! That's the Soul Eater Rune [Tir McDohl's rune in Suikoden 1]!  
  
Chrischi: Oh my God! How did he acquire that rune?  
  
Destined-Warrior: According to a Northern Alliance spy, someone named Lady Windy, who fled   
Gregminster and is now working under the Taliban, gave the rune to the Mullah by merely  
copying the one from McDohl.  
  
Brad: And look what he's doing to Scooby-Doo and co.! He's using the Deadly Fingertips on  
them!  
  
Chrischi: Will this be the end of the team that always solves mysteries for years?  
  
Destined-Warrior: But look! Mr. T's really getting angry!  
  
Brad: Overdrive time, baby!  
  
Mr. T: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! How dare ya did this ta mah friends! Now pay da ultimate price, sucka!  
  
Mr. T, in a sudden burst of emotion, is now on Overdrive.  
  
Vivi II: Wow, what happened to Papa is happening again to that person. History repeats itself.  
  
Mr. T now performs his ultimate Overdrive move, Hypa Sucka Throw.  
  
Mr. T: Adios, Muller blah blah fool!  
  
And Mr. T throws M. M. Omar to kingdom come. Now guess where he lands.  
  
Yeah, that's right! From present-day Afghanistan to 1920's Japan!  
  
And M. M. Omar lands into a temple in the Imperial Capital (i. e., Tokyo) unconscious. For  
some strange reason, he still stands. He is noticed by the temple keeper.  
  
Temple Keeper: Ahh! A demon! Gotta call Team Hana!  
  
And in a matter of seconds, Team Hana, with their Kobu, lands in the temple. Sakura, Sumire,  
Iris, Kanna, Maria, Kohran, and Ichiro.  
  
Sumire: Oh great! Another demon! Now I'll miss the Philippine president's arrival at the   
Kanzaki residence!  
  
Iris: Don't worry. As long as we kick the demon's butt, we'll be back in no time. Right,  
Jean Paul?  
  
Kohran: This demon looks like a human. It's chicken feed for us.  
  
Kanna: Yeah! Let's get it on!  
  
And Team Hana blasts M. M. Omar away to ashes with their spiritual powers while leaving the   
temple unscathed.   
  
Sakura: Whew! That was the easiest mission in our career!  
  
Maria: He's no match after all.  
  
Ichiro: We've got to report back to the base. Let's go!  
  
And the team left the temple.  
  
Now back to Afghanistan.  
  
Brad: Now that Mullah Mohammad Omar's out of the picture, the FF team has bin Laden in their  
own hands.  
  
Chrischi: And listen to what Mr. T says.  
  
Mr. T: So that sucka's Mullah Mohammad Omar, eh? Well that means Osama bin Laden's also here!  
(takes a deep breath) Osama....... Hey, ya bearded sucka! Where are ya!  
  
The ground shakes.  
  
Chrischi: Hey! Bin Laden's back! And look who's bringing him!  
  
Brad: It's Fenrir!  
  
Destined-Warrior: It seems that bin Laden secretly visited Madain Sari and put Fenrir in his   
sapphire pendant.  
  
bin Laden: Another American to beat me? Well, I'll send you to nowhere! Terrestrial Rage!  
  
Fenrir punches Mr. T to kingdom come.  
  
Mr. T: Ya can't throw me ta outta space, you suckaaaaaaaahhhhh........  
  
Eiko: No! You stole my eidolon!  
  
bin Laden: Hahahaha! I master everything just to establish a pan-Islamic empire!  
  
Brad: Now it's all out war!   
  
Chrischi: Will bin Laden taste his fate for good?  
  
Destined-Warrior: The answer will be determined after these messages!  
  
(game paused)  
(end of chapter) 


	10. The Ultimate Battle (Part 5)

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter 10: The Ultimate Battle (Part 5)  
  
(game unpaused)  
  
Brad: We're back to the ultimate fight. Now that the members of the Taliban, al-Qaeda,  
and Mullah Muhammad Omar himself are out of the face of the planet, the Final Fantasy  
characters now have a big chance to beat Osama bin Laden.  
  
Chrischi: Yes, lots of them are here today, but they must be unified as one big machine  
to beat the enemy.  
  
????: And that's where we'll come in.  
  
Destined-Warrior: W-Who are those guys in red jerseys?  
  
????: We're the Shohoku High School basketball team!  
  
Takenori Akagi: With us, you guys are 100% assured of your victory.  
  
Hisashi Mitsui, Miyagi Ryota, Kiminobu Kogure: Just listen to our strategies well and we'll  
leave the rest to you.  
  
Hanamichi Sakuragi: Yeah! 'Cause you're under the hands of a true genius! Ha ha ha!  
  
Kaede Rukawa: Stupid.  
  
H. Sakuragi: How many times I've told you not to call me stupid!  
  
K. Rukawa: You're really stupid.  
  
H. Sakuragi: That's it! I'll blow you out!  
  
T. Akagi punches H. Sakuragi.  
  
T. Akagi: Geniuses act serious. (Faces FF characters) Anyway, we came all the way from Japan   
and are here in Afghanistan for a stopover. The next plane will arrive in around 5 hours.  
While we are killing time here, we have heard that you are fighting Osama bin Laden, so  
we decided to lend you a hand.  
  
Cloud: Good thing. Name's Cloud Strife. Nice to meet you.  
  
And the other FF characters introduced themselves to the Shohoku team.  
  
bin Laden: So, those basketball freaks have come to help those damn American allies!  
  
T. Akagi: Grrr! Osama bin Laden! Now you've met your match! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!  
  
Desined-Warrior: Look! Akagi's turning into Mojo Jojo!  
  
Chrischi: Why, Akagi's monicker is "Gorilla", so it's natural to be turned into a monkey.  
  
H. Sakuragi: (whispers to himself) So that gorilla's really a gorilla, eh? Now's my chance  
to show to the whole world that I'm a genius!  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: For years, I've been on the side of evil. But now, I'm fighting for good!  
  
bin Laden: A twist of fate, eh? But still, I'll defeat you and your puny team!  
  
H. Sakuragi: (jumps) Ha! Not so fast!   
  
Haruko Akagi: (comes out of nowhere) Sakuragi!  
  
H. Sakuragi: H-Haruko!? Why did you pop in here?  
  
bin Laden: I'll give you a humiliating foul! (Throws a basketball at H. Sakuragi, dealing  
him 1896 damage.)  
  
H. Akagi: No! (Forms a big, invisible barrier that protects Shohoku and the FF characters.)  
  
Brad: I can't believe it! Haruko has powers like these!  
  
bin Laden: That damn barrier! I'll try to break it, no matter what! (Brings out a chainsaw   
and tries to saw the barrier.)  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Now that we're safe (at least for a little while), we can discuss the  
strategies we'll use to beat bin Laden. Who among you have guns or any other long-range  
weapons?  
  
The following raise their hands.  
Barret   
Vincent   
Yuffie  
Rinoa  
Irvine  
Laguna  
Garnet  
Eiko (NB: she and Garnet have equipped a Tiger Racket individually)  
Amarant (NB: can throw weapons)  
Wakka  
Rikku (NB: can throw grenades)  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Good. You will position there (pointing to his basketball strategy board),  
and blast bin Laden with your long-range attacks. And as for the rest of you, just wait for  
our signal to attack him at close range. The long-range guys will stop firing, and then all  
of you will lure him into an ambush. This way, bin Laden's dead meat. Understood?  
  
All of the FF characters: Yes sir!  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: But before we do that, we must...  
  
Brad: Oh no! Bin Laden cut the barrier in half!   
  
bin Laden: Mwa ha ha ha! Now I listened to your flimsy strategy! This strategy's much better!  
  
Bin Laden uses Ultra Charge and acquires Necron's moves.  
  
bin Laden: Now your basketball's fouled out! Neutron Ring!  
  
9999 damage is dealt to the Shohoku team, even Haruko.  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: You'll be fouled out next timmmmmeeeeeeee...  
  
H. Sakuragi: Nobody beats a geniuuuuuussssssss...  
  
And the Shohoku team is blasted out of Afghanistan.  
  
bin Laden: Hee hee hee. If I detect anyone assisting you, I'll blast them out with my powers.  
  
Yuna: That's unfair!  
  
Zidane: You really are merciless, especially on people who help!  
  
Unknown Voice A: Then bin Laden, have it your way.  
  
Unknown Voice B: 'Cause all chicken wusses must die!  
  
Unknown Voice C: Evil is not always our middle names.  
  
Unknown Voice D: But your middle name is.  
  
Destined-Warrior: Oh no! Not those four baddies again. Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, and Seymour!  
  
Brad: Why in the world did they appear?  
  
Chrischi: Problably some other summoner unknowingly summoned the four right here.  
  
Destined-Warrior and Brad: And who is that guy, wise man?  
  
Chrischi: .......It's Fred Flintstone.  
  
Destined-Warrior and Brad: You fool! (they start to beat up Chrischi)  
  
Cloud: Sephiroth, I thought I defeated you!  
  
Squall: Seifer, why did you return to your insane self?  
  
Zidane: Kuja, did you set up a clone?  
  
Tidus: Seymour, you're here again to take my Yuna?  
  
Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, Seymour: I won't answer all of your questions. 'Cause we're here  
to blast Osama bin Laden away. That's all.  
  
Red XIII: You are NOT the chosen ones! We are!   
  
Selphie: And who would think that four fools like you will beat a dangerous terrorist?  
  
Sephiroth: Fools? We're not fools.  
  
Kuja: We're simply assigned as villains with powers almost the same as yours.  
  
Seifer: That is what Hironobu Sakaguchi laid down to us.  
  
Seymour: But we're enough of villain roles, and would like you good guys to lend us a hand.  
  
bin Laden: Another set of helping wimps? Then taste this!  
  
Bin Laden performs Ultra Charge and acquires X-Death's moves. He then performs Grand Cross  
on the four, but...  
  
Kuja: That a-hole Necron helped you? You're a sissy.  
  
Seymour: We're immune to all of your puny status ailments.  
  
Sephiroth: Now I'll show you who's boss! Quake 3!  
  
Bin Laden suffers 3762 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9910238.  
  
Seifer: No Mercy!  
  
Bin Laden suffers 8701 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9901537.  
  
Kuja: Flare Star!  
  
Bin Laden suffers 9765 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9891772.  
  
Seymour: Firaga, Blizzaga, Waterga, and Thundaga combined!  
  
Bin Laden suffers 4 hits and 29829 damage. Bin Laden's current HP: 9861943.  
  
Meanwhile, the good FF characters watch the scene.  
  
Cloud: (sighs) Will these guys never stop?  
  
Red XIII: Evil cannot be conquered by evil.  
  
Rikku: This is getting really weird.  
  
Quistis: When will they get serious and stop this nonsense?  
  
Quina: I no know. Unless we eat. But where we get yummy-yummies?  
  
Auron: No matter where that weird chef goes, the thoughts inside him are always food, food,   
food.  
  
Zidane: Will you stop thinking about food all the time and get down to work?  
  
Aeris: Hey! This is turning into an argument! If we don't stop it, bin Laden will prepare  
the graves for us!   
  
Vincent: Yeah, and the commentators over there are fighting too! Yuffie, stop them!   
  
Yuffie: Shyeah, right. (Approaches the commentators) Hey, you guys! Mind your serious   
business and stop fighting!  
  
But the commentators keep on fighting.  
  
Yuffie: Duh... This method's the last resort...  
  
Meanwhile, the characters lazily stare at the baddies, who are currently pummeling bin Laden.  
Bin Laden's current HP: 5139629.  
  
Laguna: There's no business like monkey business...  
  
Kiros: Yeah, so when will they cease?  
  
On the other hand, Yuffie has brought out something a ninja couldn't think of: a life-size  
statue of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Then, using a voice synthesizer...  
  
Yuffie: This is Stone Cold Steve Austin reporting for duty. HEY, YOU FOOLS, QUIT THAT   
NONSENSE BRAWLING OR ELSE I'LL OPEN UP A CAN OF WHOOP-ASS, AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE!  
  
Brad: Stone Cold?!  
  
Chrischi: T-the man w-who opens a blow-out w-with c-cans of beer?  
  
Destined-Warrior: Oh, sorry. We didn't mean to argue. Thank you for your kind guidance.  
  
Yuffie: I thank you form the bootom of my heart. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone   
Cold said so.  
  
Yuffie then backs away from the commentators and returns to the battle arena.  
  
Suddenly...  
  
The baddies take a heavy beating thanks to bin Laden.  
  
Bin Laden: Hey you bad guys, I guess you are not bad enough. Because I am the greatest   
bad guy to the eyes of America and Israel. But a good guy to the Arab world. Hee hee hee.  
  
Sephiroth: Y-you got J-Jenova...  
  
Seifer: N-not t-the sorceress c-can b-beat you...  
  
Kuja: You... depended... on... the... crystal...?  
  
Seymour: You... t-transcended... the aeons...  
  
Bin Laden: Now say hello to the deepest abyss! Supernova! (Before that, he used Ultra Charge  
and acquired Safer Sephiroth's moves.)  
  
Sephiroth: H-how dare y-you... stole... my...  
  
Sephiroth, Seifer, Kuja, and Seymour each receive 57824 damage, instantly pulverizing them.  
  
All Good FF Characters: NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Bin Laden: No more Mr. Nice Guy. This time, it's serious. Without any people to help you,  
you're damn good for a nice... FUNERAL!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!  
  
Bin Laden brings out a big, nasty stun gun.  
  
Brad: Sorry for the incovenience we've made.  
  
Chrischi: This time, we tell you the truth and nothing but the truth!  
  
Destined-Warrior: And now bin Laden's powering up for what he calls...   
  
Bin Laden: The World Trade Center ATTACK!!!  
  
Bin Laden stuns the characters with his stun gun, then calls out some gate magic that warps  
them into the WTC during the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. As expected, two airplanes hit  
the twin towers, and minutes later, the towers crumble to ashes. And as for the result,  
all 37 characters receive 999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999-  
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 damage, and die.  
  
Destined-Warrior: No! This can't be!  
  
Chrischi: Is this the end of the fantasies for sure?  
  
Brad: Will some other entity come to help them?  
  
The commentators shed their tears.  
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: We hope that they rise like phoenixes and continue the fight  
anew. While we fervently await for that, let's have a commercial break! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!!!  
  
(NOTE: Apologies to Shadowfox the Cyclone. I really didn't mean to threaten you, bud.  
It's just that I like FF9 the most. No regrets. So have fun with my story since I'll come up   
with the final chapter. May God bless you. --Author)  
  
(game paused)  
(end of chapter) 


	11. A New Hope and a New Life

The Most Ominous Threat: Osama bin Laden  
Chapter Eleven: A New Hope and a New Life  
  
(game unpaused)  
  
Destined-Warrior: Huhuhu... Now we're back to the fight against Osama bin Laden.  
  
Brad: Huhuhu... We think that bin Laden may have won the battle. A sad ending for all FF fans  
out there...  
  
bin Laden: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Now I reign supreme! ALLAHU AKBAR!!!! [God is great!]  
  
Chrischi: And now we pray for the souls of Cloud Strife, Squall Leonhart, Zidane Tribal,   
Tidus (insert surname here), and their companions. They fought hard to eliminate a big  
threat to our struggling world. But, in an unexpected twist of fate, they were eliminated  
by that fiend's most powerful attack. Now for a moment of silence.  
  
Everything is in silence for the next 58 seconds, until...  
  
????: Everyone, don't lose hope.  
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: W-Who are you?  
  
????: I am Leknaat, a seer in isolation. Remember the 216 Stars of Destiny in the previous   
two major wars? Well, to revive the thirty-seven fallen heroes, we need to gather seventy-  
one more people who are destined to help them.  
  
Destined-Warrior: But those people who helped them are kicked out, too.  
  
Leknaat: Do not worry. With your continuing preserverance in the God Almighty, they will come  
back and form the set of the 108 Stars of Destiny. So, go on and pray.  
  
Brad and Chrischi: Understood.  
  
Leknaat disappears.  
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: And now we pray... Our Father, thou art in heaven...  
give brand new lives to 108 people who are destined to help this suffering world...  
  
I. M. Weasel and I. R. Baboon appear in the battlefield.  
  
I. M. Weasel: Is this Afghanistan?  
  
I. R. Baboon: Ah, I are do no know.  
  
Brad: Those people who have varying talents...  
  
The Backstreet Boys and N'Sync appear in the battlefield.  
  
A. J.: Where on earth did we appear?  
  
Justin: The water's gone?!  
  
Nick: Guys, we're not in blitzball!  
  
Lance: Is this outer space?  
  
Chrischi: ...but have the same heart...  
  
Hiro, The Red Guy, The Rock, and Mills Lane appear in the battlefield.  
  
Hiro: Luuuuucciiiiiiaaaaaa....... Where are yyyyoooooouuuuuuu......  
  
The Red Guy: Oohhhh! I'm restored! Now bin Laden's dead meat!  
  
The Rock: As I promised, bin Laden, you'll smelelelelelelelelelell what The Rock is cooking!  
  
Mills Lane: Yeah! Total recovery! Let's get it on!  
  
Destined-Warrior: ...the heart which is unselfish and is always ready to help...  
  
Scooby-Doo, his buddies, and Mr. T appear in the battlefield.  
  
Daphne: Are our souls erased?  
  
Thelma: ...I think not...  
  
Shaggy: What's the reason, you say?  
  
Fred: With the power of prayer, our souls went back to where they belong. That's great! Thank   
God!  
  
Scooby-Doo: Scooby-dooby-doooooo!!!!!!!  
  
Mr. T: I'll make bin Laden pay fo' what that damn Muller did ta me friends!  
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: ...to fight against a threat to love, peace and justice.  
  
Team Hana [from Sakura Wars, with their Kobu, of course], the Shohoku team (with Haruko), and   
Stone Cold appear in the battlefield.  
  
Sakura S.: We defeated a bearded guy, and we'll eliminate another!  
  
Rest of Team Hana: Right on!  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Bin Laden, we'll show you why our basketball is still the best! Shohoku,   
FIGHT!  
  
Rest of Shohoku: FIGHT!  
  
Stone Cold: Stone Cold's real mission is to beat bin Laden, and that's the bottom line.  
  
bin Laden: Huh?! What's the meaning of this? Those vermin multiply and multiply!  
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: Through Your Son, Jesus Christ, we pray...  
  
The Powerpuff Girls, Belldandy, Urd, Skuld, Dexter, Dee Dee, Son Goku, Gohan, Goten,   
Vegeta, Piccolo, Sakura Kinomoto, Li Syaoran, Tomoyo Daidouji, Miaka and the Seven Star   
Warriors of Suzaku, Philippine president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, Joseph "Erap" Estrada   
(Arroyo's predecessor), Johnny Bravo, the Hunter X Hunter team, and Harry Potter appear   
in the battlefield.  
  
Blossom: What's the matter?  
  
Bubbles: Did Prof. Utonium teleport us to what place...?  
  
Buttercup: It's Afghanistan!  
  
Blossom: We always save Townsville, and now we'll save the rest of the world!  
  
Buttercup: Osama bin Laden, we'll kick your butt!  
  
Bubbles: We'll make the world more colorful!  
  
Blossom: Wait a second... Hey! Mojo Jojo's also here?  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Hey, Powerpuff Girls, listen to me! I have an alter ego in the form of   
Takenori Akagi, a basketball player. That means I'm not 100% bad. So please, I beg of you,   
help me...  
  
Blossom: ...... All right, together we can do anything to kick bin Laden's butt.  
  
T. Akagi/Mojo Jojo: Oh, thank you. I promise I'll be good.  
  
Bubbles and Buttercup: Don't treat a promise like an egg, huh?  
  
Belldandy: Did God transport us to Afghanistan?  
  
Urd: Uh... I think so.  
  
Skuld: According to my sensor, it looks like that terrorist Osama bin Laden is near.  
  
Belldandy: Bin Laden, eh? So we must use our God-given powers...  
  
Belldandy, Urd, Skuld: ...TO RESTORE PEACE!  
  
Dexter: Weird... Did some other genius transport me to this country called Afghanistan?  
But no matter. I know that the terrorist Osama bin Laden is here! We must eliminate him   
for restoration of solidarity!  
  
Dee Dee: What's that again, Dexter?  
  
Dexter: Grrr... Stupid sister! Do I have to explain this again?!  
  
Dee Dee: Mmmm... Whatever.  
  
Son Goku: This is strange... Looks like we're on a new world.  
  
Gohan: Dad, what do you call this planet again?  
  
Goten: It's Earth, you know.  
  
Piccolo: Earth?! Do you mean our Earth has a clone?!  
  
Vegeta: Yeah. And the clone you're talking about is right here! We'll have to destroy it to   
avoid confusion!  
  
Son Goku: Please, don't go on a planet-plundering spree. Remember we're supposed to kill  
Osama bin Laden.  
  
Piccolo: You're right! He's here! Battle Power: 10,000,000! It's so great!  
  
Gohan: Everyone, en garde!  
  
The five then unleash their ultimate powers. Want Fusion? Sorry. It's too much. (--Author)  
  
Sakura K.: Huh? Kero, come back! (cries) Huhuhu... I'm lost!  
  
Syaoran: Sakura, don't worry, I'll always be with you.  
  
Tomoyo: Hey, enough of mushy love scenes! We must first eliminate Osama bin Laden!  
  
Sakura K. and Syaoran: All right!  
  
Miaka: Is this China, huh?  
  
Tamahome: No, it's not. It's... whatchamacallit?  
  
Hotohori: It's Afghanistan, you screwball.  
  
Tamahome: Don't call me a screwball! (The mark on his forehead starts to glow) Now taste this!  
  
Tamahome and Hotohori begin to fight.  
  
Chichiri: Stop it, no da!  
  
Tasuki: Those two'll never learn.  
  
Nuriko: Hey! I came back!  
  
Miaka: Nuriko? You're alive?  
  
Nuriko: Yeah! In the flesh! Uh, Mitsukake, Chiriko, who's the name of our ultimate enemy?  
  
Mitsukake: I dunno.  
  
Chiriko: I know. The real enemy is a terrorist named Osama bin Laden!  
  
Tamahome: Bin Laden?  
  
Hotohori: Not the god Seiryuu?  
  
The two stop fighting.  
  
Chiriko: Yes. That's right. Now gather round. We must defeat bin Laden with the help of  
our unknown friends. The 108 stars... they are us! So go now!  
  
Miaka et al.: Yeah!  
  
Pres. Arroyo: Oh no! This is Afghanistan?! I'm alone, and I'll be butchered by terrorists!  
  
Erap Estrada: Not in this case.  
  
Pres. Arroyo: Erap?! Why in the world are you here?  
  
Erap Estrada: We are not supposed to fight each other. We must unite to pulverize Osama bin  
Laden.  
  
Pres. Arroyo: Oh yes, that's great! Let's go beat that terrorist!  
  
Johnny Bravo: Yeah, lots of hot mamas. I must kill bin Laden so that I'll save those hot mamas.  
  
Gon, Leorio, Kurapika, Killua, Hisoka: We're hunters, and we'll beat you down, bin Laden!  
  
Leorio: That's a nice line.  
  
Killua: Shut up. We're serious.  
  
Harry Potter: This is a new planet?! Oh, whoever the monster is, I'll roast it with my magic!  
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: Grant the 108 Stars of Destiny the ultimate sacred power!  
AAAAAMMMMMEEEEENNNNNN!!!!!!!!  
  
A big globe of bright light appears in the arena. It grows bigger and bigger until it reaches   
a 7-km radius.  
  
bin Laden: What the?! Those people I've kicked out... they've come back?! AAAAAAHHHH!!!!  
(He gets blown away by the bright light.)  
  
The bright light then disappears. And now, the FF characters come back to life!   
  
Cloud: Ohhhhh..... My head.... it hurts....  
  
Squall: Did Ellone revive me?  
  
Zidane: Yeah! Payback time!  
  
Tidus: Bin Laden, you're toast!  
  
bin Laden: NO! This can't be! I killed you with my ultimate attack, but now...(shrivels in fear)  
  
Aeris: We're born again to bring back faith in God.  
  
Other male FF characters: So we'll tear you to shreds!  
  
Other female FF characters: You're no human! You're an ally of Satan!  
  
The rest of the 108 Stars of Destiny: You're not worthy to live anymore! And also, your soul  
musn't exist either!  
  
Brad: This is great! They're back!  
  
Chrischi: Like phoenixes, they strive to rise when they fall.  
  
Destined-Warrior: Now it's game over for bin Laden and the believers in Islamic fundamentalism!  
  
The audience cheers with great enthusiasm. You can feel the capacity crowd here.  
  
The US marines sing "The Taliban Song".  
  
The Northern Alliance fighters chant "BIN LADEN OUT! BIN LADEN OUT!"   
  
The rest of the audience chant whatever they please.  
  
"Rocky! Rocky!"  
  
"Bin Laden sucks!"  
  
"Final Fantasy rules!"  
  
"Cloud, marry me!"  
  
Etc., etc.   
  
Cloud: Now, bin Laden! Be exterminated with our ultimate combined power!  
  
Squall, Zidane, Tidus: We call it...  
  
The rest of the 108 Stars of Destiny: THE ULTIMATE FIST OF THE HEAVENS!!!!  
  
And the 108 pray. Soon, trickles of light appear within themselves as they pray harder.  
The 108 trickles of light then combine into a giant white beam, surging up into the sky.  
The beam disappears, and a giant silver airship takes its place. What's the airship, you   
say?   
  
It's the Silver Noah! And the cast from Arc the Lad and Grandia II are inside it.  
Inside...  
  
Elc: Are you sure this big bomb you invented will work?  
  
Shu: Yeah.  
  
Arc: How many times are you sure?  
  
Shu: Two times!  
  
Poco: Higher!  
  
Shu: Three times!  
  
Tosh: Higher!  
  
Shu: Four times!  
  
Lieza: Higher!  
  
Shu: Five times!  
  
Gogen: Higher!  
  
Shu: Six times!  
  
Kukuru: Higher!  
  
Shu: Seven times!  
  
Chongara: HHHIIIGGGHHHEEERRR!!!  
  
Shu: That's it! Enough of that "The Price is Right" rip-off!  
  
Elena: I think the answer is seventy times seven times (I forgot which Bible verse did it   
came from. But the meaning of that is "unlimited". --Author).  
  
Ryudo: How'd ya learn that, princess?  
  
Elena: Probably from a lost book of Lord Granas's teachings.  
  
Mareg: Hmmm. Reading sacred books does not always assure ourselves holiness. We must do good  
in the eyes of Granas everyday.  
  
Roan: Yeah, but no matter. We're all being placed special roles for the 108... what?  
  
Tio: 108 Stars of Destiny.  
  
Roan: Thanks, Tio. Again, our roles are special.  
  
(Elena changes into Millenia)  
  
Millenia: Yeah, soooo special that my Ryudo will enjoy!  
  
Ryudo: M-Millenia?! Not you again?  
  
Millenia: Now that wretched priestess is gone, let's enjoy our moments together!  
  
Ryudo: NNNNOOOOO!!!!!  
  
The others make mixed reactions.  
  
The two chase each other within the Silver Noah. In their commotion, all of the safety holders   
of the bomb are loosened, thus sending the bomb accidentally out of the airship. The others   
fail to avert the disaster.  
  
Now back to the Afghan ground.  
  
Bin Laden notices the big bomb falling over him. Our heroes take this opportunity to stun him.  
  
Team Hana: Taste our spiritual power! Lightning Shock!  
  
The Kobu unleash a thunder-type stun attack. It is like bin Laden's, but this attack's much  
better. Bin Laden then gets 100% stunned.  
  
bin Laden: They retaliated with my own stun gun attack? I-I-It's impossible.   
  
And in seconds, the bomb falls flat on top of bin Laden. 7000 damage is taken in this process.  
Bin Laden's current HP: 5132629.  
  
Dexter: Eureka! Eureka! That terrorist's as flat as a church wafer!  
  
But... bin Laden struggles to get out of the gigantic bomb.  
  
Blossom: No!  
  
I. M. Weasel: That is because we don't have anything that can generate fire to light the wick  
and explode the bomb.  
  
Vivi: Not that we're supposed to play with fire... But we will!  
  
Some of the allies try to cast fire speels on the wick. And it's a success. The wick is lighted,  
and the bomb has a minute to detonation.  
  
Tidus: Everybody, hide!  
  
The Red Guy: Hey, but we don't have any decent hiding spot!  
  
H. Sakuragi: Hey, Haruko, you created a barrier to protect us! Now do it again!   
  
H. Akagi: No... bin Laden just merely cut it out with a chain saw...  
  
H. Sakuragi: We'll just amplify your barrier with white magic. (Faces the rest of the allies)   
Hey, anyone who has white magic, assist this girl!  
  
(50 seconds left)  
  
And those with white magic assist Haruko. The amplification takes around 30 seconds.  
  
(20 seconds left)  
  
H. Sakuragi: Now! Put the barrier on!  
  
H. Akagi: Yes!   
  
A much bigger and better barrier then envelops the 108 allies.   
  
(12 seconds left)  
  
I. R. Baboon notices a weak point of the barrier.  
  
I. R. Baboon: OOOhhh... What are this?  
  
Dee Dee soon joins him. Together the two release a secret switch which turns the barrier off.  
  
Cloud: No! Not that damn baboon...  
  
(5 seconds left)   
  
The other girls shout in fear.  
  
4...  
  
Dee Dee: Yeah!  
  
3...  
  
I. R. Baboon: This are working...  
  
2...  
  
The barrier's upper half is gone.  
  
1...  
  
The Rock: The bomb's gonna blow!  
  
0...  
  
And the bomb explodes. A mushroom cloud is created, then disappears. In its place a giant   
structure rises. What is that structure? The new World Trade Center, shaped like a hand in  
"dirty finger" position! Bin Laden is caught up in the explosion, of course, and takes  
482378472858345623896749568 hits and 34923478253489634968934590834958290345801249058315134-  
239458125713904867189347501273590812904578138947528943501259182345934758724857094583475714-  
123495723489571247591834563466361345123582903948923458927358235824782375823528735823752835-  
234526345872364571928475891734895718972457831902483571289357138924571938457398475893475891-  
235781723984571893457198275891375863457485719485738475817456173456127456364578165892347554-  
2348189274589123845758123457194857891145788918934578891347589347584857018945818457348574855  
damage!  
  
But, it's not the end of this attack. There's more!  
  
After the new WTC rises, bin Laden is flown to the distant part of the solar system (between  
Pluto and the 10th planet, to be exact).  
  
bin Laden: Curse those damn American and Israeli allies! Curse them! Curse them! Ahhhh! I   
can't breathe! Ahhhhh!!!  
  
An alien spaceship notices bin Laden.  
  
Alien A: Hey, look at that UFO!  
  
Alien B: It's no UFO! It's Osama bin Laden, the most wanted terrorist on planet Earth!  
  
Alien A: Let's blast him out so that he won't terrorize other planets!  
  
Alien B: Yes, sir!  
  
Then the two aliens push a big button that says "ULTIMATE HOLY-BASED ATTACK". A big cannon  
appears at the bottom of the ship. The cannon draws out the following powers in the universe:   
Valor (Shadow), Glory (Holy), Brawn (Physical), Genesis (Nature), and Wonder (Wind). The   
powers then coalesced into a big, white fist. The white fist then strikes bin Laden back to   
Afghanistan with a gigantic, explosive punch. In the process, bin Laden takes 3852845832459-  
34528952893478571834896294560245680459102394013894928592347858928358942589995405066777 hits  
and 239053894632905634856298501384692845672389456902386902485699454768958906314895782348953-  
4176189234758923768917589013745892376718394761389476891347581927345891273485671384578917245-  
8374589713458718394571893457891274589317458971238945713894758913475891374589134758910374598-  
2347508912345710923489571234561234513456134513451451124561624576182465813794875619827561789-  
3465781456723465173456893745689015781634785617485674545643948373857362547378456381284823473-  
4574582374574856425762157218541782565254984175755507425074521655624762715754975476125415825-  
9818558424907547513784037498537113873198754545752147241657329275179157171531278888888428102-  
0281784217810714701748218792430873017924642130821037241904320764474980347813075130751307513-  
0748153047851307451307451307845141247612577689856389485782764234362562472472456345625645752-  
5829358934589485692375908230680348639475683456834768372937624578678235637845637859345782394-  
75289345913475639478563784567485648759234554448957893458000000000084834758389593442 damage!  
  
bin Laden: N...no.... May.... Al...lah.... bless.... my.... soul....  
  
And bin Laden dies.  
  
Pres. Arroyo: At last, the great terrorist has paid the ultimate price.  
  
????: Not so fast. Hehehehehehe.  
  
The Powerpuff Girls: Not that ultimate evil, Him!  
  
Him: Tsk tsk tsk. You think you can kill me by killing bin Laden, huh? And you, you no-good  
extras! You really contributed nothing in defeating bin Laden!  
  
Gon: Not so fast! We prayed to beat him, that's all!  
  
Him: Ah, never mind. Since I'm invincible, I can possess any most wanted criminal I like!  
And you won't stop me!  
  
Squall: I'll stop you! (Brings out his gunblade and performs Lion Heart on Him. However,  
Him receives no damage.)   
  
Him: How futile. I won't deal any useless business with you, 108 freaks! Well, gotta go!  
Hasta la vista! Hehehehehehe! (Disappears)  
  
Brad: But no matter... The cards are laid down.  
  
Chrischi: The ultimate survivors and winners are...  
  
The capacity crowd rages on.  
  
Destined-Warrior: THE FINAL FANTASY CHARACTERS AND THE 71 OTHER STARS OF DESTINY!  
  
The capacity crowd bursts with happiness. While the FF battle victory theme plays, the 108  
allies perform their respective victory poses.  
  
Brad: This is indeed a great victory for all of humanity.  
  
Chrischi: People of the world, this program's broadcast on all countries.  
  
Destined-Warrior: And all of those who are watching will feel the brand new hope in life now  
that the most ominous threat is gone for good.   
  
Brad, Chrischi, Destined-Warrior: So, please give yourselves A THUNDEROUS APPAUSE!!!  
  
And the rejoices continue.  
  
***  
  
One week later...  
  
The 108 allies are granted "The Greatest Bravery Awards" by the combined forces of the United  
Nations, US Pres. George W. Bush, and Afghan Pres. Hamid Karzai. But, something feels inside   
them that the awards they receive are not enough.  
  
***  
  
One week later, at Smackdown Hotel...  
  
Aeris: Cloud, are you forgetting that promise?  
  
Cloud: .......  
  
Aeris: That's OK. What's important is bin Laden's gone.  
  
Cloud: Yeah, but will I marry you? (holds Aeris's hands)  
  
Aeris: Now you're talking. C'mon, let's have that kiss.  
  
And the two kiss in the night, savoring their true, faith-driven love for each other.  
  
***  
  
Four months later...  
  
Squall: A letter? What's this piece of junk?  
  
Rinoa: A letter's not a letter when you don't read it yet. C'mon.  
  
***  
  
Zidane: Whoa, a richly-decorated letter! I'll appraise it!  
  
Garnet: Don't mess with it, Zidane. Eiko might find it and do that mistake again.  
  
Eiko: Hey, Zidane! What's that letter?  
  
Zidane: ...  
  
Garnet: Don't you know that it's rude to read someone else's letter?  
  
Eiko: Lemme see it, please! (Opens the envelope and reads) Whoa, yeah!   
  
Zidane and Garnet: What's the content?  
  
Eiko: It's... a...  
  
***  
  
Tidus: (While practicing blitzball) Score!  
  
Postman: Hey, Mr. Tidus. A letter for you.  
  
Tidus: (Opens the envelope) Yeah! Yeah! Yuna, good news!  
  
***  
  
The other Stars of Destiny receive the same letter. What's the content anyway?  
  
(page 1)  
  
Two lives, two hearts,  
joined together in friendship  
United forever in love  
It is with joy, together with our friends,  
Tifa Lockhart,  
Barret Wallace,  
Nanaki a. k. a. Red XIII,  
Cait Sith,  
Cid Highwind,  
Yuffie Kisaragi,  
and Vincent Valentine,  
that we,  
Cloud Strife and Aeris Gainsborough,  
invite you to share with us the happiness  
of beginning a new life together with the Lord as  
we place our love and future in His Hand  
on Saturday, the tenth day of August,  
in the two thousand second year of our Lord  
at seven o' clock in the morning   
at the Church of the Nativity,  
Jerusalem, Israel.  
  
Reception will follow at The White House,  
Washington, DC, USA  
  
(page 2)  
  
Strife-Gainsborough Nuptials  
  
Bridal Entourage  
  
(Author's note: Bah, I won't spoil it for you. What's important is that the maid-  
of-honor is Tifa and the best man is... (drum roll)... I. R. Baboon!)  
  
(page 3)  
  
Inspirational Notes  
  
(A/N: Again, I won't spoil it.)  
  
***  
  
And at the wedding day...  
  
The wedding is really star-studded. Aside from the 108 Stars of Destiny, other famous  
personalities join the wedding like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera (and many other   
pop stars), various world leaders, anime characters (excluding hentai ones, hehehe),   
cartoon characters, video game characters, and much much more. And would I miss the   
original guys behind the FF series? For example, composer Nobuo Uematsu plays the   
church organ over there! Spotted him? Good. Now on to the most exciting part.  
  
Archbishop Jaime Cardinal Sin (a close ally of Pres. Arroyo): Miss Gainsborough,  
do you take this man as your lawfully-wedded husband?  
  
Aeris: I do.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Tidus: They selected the wrong priest! His name's Sin!  
  
Auron: That Sin is not an alien. He's 100% human.  
  
Tidus: But... but...  
  
Auron: Shut up, or I'll slash your pork trap.  
  
Tidus: ...OK.  
  
Back to the best part.  
  
Cardinal Sin: Mister Strife, do you take this woman as your lawfully-wedded wife?  
  
Cloud: I do.  
  
Cardinal Sin: Therefore, by the power vested in the Father, the Son, and the Holy  
Spirit, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.  
  
Thw newlywed couple kiss, and in the background Mr. Uematsu plays a heart-warming  
rendition of "Someday We'll Know", which is intended for the two to sing.  
  
Cloud and Aeris: Someday we'll know  
  
Aeris: That love can move a mountain  
  
Cloud and Aeris: Someday we'll know  
  
Cloud: Why the sky is blue  
  
Cloud and Aeris: Someday we'll know  
Why I wasn't meant for you....  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
  
Cloud and Aeris: Someday we'll know  
  
Cloud: Why Samson loved Delilah  
  
Cloud and Aeris: One day I'll go  
  
Aeris: Dancing on the moon  
  
Cloud and Aeris: Someday you'll know  
That I was the one for you....  
  
And the two kiss again, only much deeper and more passionate. The entire staff,  
including the entourage and the audience, gives a warm round of applause to the  
two newlyweds.  
  
But...  
  
Tifa: Cloud, oh you wait a sec. Why did you select the worst baboon for the best  
man?  
  
I. M. Weasel and Dexter: Ahem, we can explain the reason why.   
  
Dexter: We conducted numerous tests performed by us in the past four months.  
  
I. M. Weasel: According to those tests, it was proven that Tifa and Baboon have a  
high compatibility rate because of the (blah, blah, whatever technical word you use).  
  
The Red Guy: Oh yeah? Then I'll prove to you that those tests made are hoaxes!  
  
Tifa: What?  
  
The Red Guy: Weasel and Baboon aren't real! They're really Sephiroth and Kuja! And  
the Sephiroth and Kuja that fought bin Laden are just robot clones! Hahahahahahaha!!!  
  
All except Weasel/Sephiroth, Baboon/Kuja, Cloud and Aeris: Why you!!!!! (They start to pummel   
the Red Guy)  
  
Sephiroth: I've had enough of being a genius.  
  
Kuja: I've had enough of being an idiot.  
  
Sephiroth and Kuja: Now let's party!!! (They approach Cloud and Aeris)  
  
Sephiroth: Aeris, I thought you're dead.  
  
Aeris: MY Cloud revived me! Is that reason enough?  
  
Kuja: And look at that blond clone of the wayward Genome! Your hair's a mess too!  
  
Cloud: Don't call my salon hairstyle UGLY!  
  
Sephiroth and Kuja: Hee hee hee. Then we'll chase you down.  
  
Cloud and Aeris: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
And the two chased the two mindlessly around the church.  
  
The screen fades to black.  
  
Moonlight Bomber comes out.  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Thank you for reading this fanfic. And here are the following  
stuff I involved into this mess, minor or major:  
  
1. Final Fantasy 7-10  
2. Cow and Chicken  
3. I am Weasel  
4. Backstreet Boys  
5. N'Sync  
6. Lunar 2  
7. The WWE (yeah, get the F out)   
8. MTV Celebrity Deathmatch (yeah, Mills Lane's there)  
9. Suikoden 1 and 2  
10. Scooby-Doo  
11. Mr. T  
12. Sakura Wars  
13. Slam Dunk   
14. Powerpuff Girls   
15. Ah! My Goddess  
16. Dexter's Laboratory  
17. Dragon Ball Z  
18. Card Captor Sakura  
19. Fushigi Yuugi  
20. Johnny Bravo  
21. Hunter X Hunter  
22. Harry Potter  
23. Arc the Lad  
24. Grandia II  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Tee hee. Whatta long list, eh? I'm starting to...  
oh no! Not that diarrhea! I'm going to the CR!  
  
Later...  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Hey, no invasion of privacy, you paparazzis!  
  
(Lights are turned off)  
  
Moonlight Bomber: Whew, thanks. END!!!!!! 


End file.
